The MEAN Green Machine

All I wanted to do was make some damn corn chips - using a recipe from RAW FOOD REAL WORLD but it was as if I was in a nightmare - one where you're trying to accomplish something but have endless complications like - crumbling teeth or you can't find your pants.

It wasn't until after I'd de-kernelled about 6 ears of corn - that I realized - I don't have a food processor to process said corn. Now you might be asking how the hell have I managed to be raw without a food processor and all I can say is.... that's a good question. You also might be asking yourself how come I didn't realize I needed a food processor until I'm 20 minutes into chopping? Well, that's because when I read a recipe, I tend to only read the list of ingredients needed - and stop there. I never make it to the equipment needed part or the sprouting/fermenting/dehydrating times. Meaning that most of the time I follow a recipe, it turns into an I Love Lucy episode but without the laugh track. So now, with a huge bowl of corn sitting on my counter - I realize I can't use my crappy blender because there's no liquid in the recipe and because it's a crappy blender. But some neurons fire and I remember that not only do I own a GREEN POWER MACHINE but it has mincing capabilities! I feel smug and frankly relieved because Graves bought it for me ten years ago when I first discovered raw and it's been like this touchstone of shame - I had declared that raw was IT and I would be eating this way for the rest of my life so I NEEDED THE GREEN MACHINE - ALL $350 WORTH! Sadly/pathetically I've used it twice. I was looking forward to redemption.

I'm sorry to admit it but it took me awhile to find. Even longer to locate the attachments. Sadly it was covered in shmutz and took another ten minutes to clean. Then it hit me that I had no idea which attachment was for mincing or how it connected to the machine. So I spent thirty minutes looking for the manual. Another 20 searching for it online. Then back to searching the same places I searched before - until finally I stood in the middle of kitchen, hands dramatically over my eyes (just like they did in the Dr. Who: Fires of Pompeii episode) trying to use my psychic powers to summon the manual to me. And it must've worked because a mere 20 minutes later, I HAD THE MANUAL! And after studying it for awhile, I FINALLY figure out how to use it. (again) VOILA! IT'S SMUSHING FOOD! The corn turns to corn mush, the red pepper into red pepper mush, the onions go in and Jill, let me tell you, I'm feeling good knowing that FINALLY I'm going to get my money out of this sucker!

It's right about then, that I grab a cup of flax seeds, pour them cockily in the chute and machine literally grinds to a halt. I'm speechless. I let out a "Wha hoppin?" I spend twenty minutes trying to get the attachment OFF so I can get the flax seed OUT. Tears of frustration and shame were shed. I spend another thirty minutes trying to get that drill dealie out of that plastic thingie but the flax seeds have formed a kind of super glue and melded the two pieces together. It becomes clear that I've some how managed to to screw up yet again. Only later, when Graves comes home to no corn chips, a flax seed covered kitchen and and a broken $350. barely used appliance do I learn that one is never ever supposed to put flax seeds in the Green Machine.

Never. Ever. Ever.

Huh. Good to know.

As he walked way, shaking his head, I could have sworn I heard him exclaim "Oh Lucy."

Waaaaaaa!