MAGIC MUSHROOMS

Jill, I know you are vegan and we haven't really discussed WHAT I am - so I'd like to take a moment and make a confession. I am a fakeatarian - meaning I love animals, don't believe in killing them and find the idea of eating flesh repulsive-

---- AND barbecue and bacon taste like magic to me.

There I said it. I'm not proud of it but they say you're only as sick as your secrets right? The truth is that many of the years that I claimed to be vegetarian - were spent secretly salivated over barbecue'd steak or coveting other people's BLT's. Over time I came to realize that THAT secret was more hypocritical than actually partaking in IT every blue moon. No, I don't have meat in my house, I don't order it when I go out to eat, I can't really look at it raw but sometimes when I go back home to Texas and my brother Tony makes his nutty amazing carne asada- I don't pretend anymore that it grosses me out. Instead, I chow down cave woman style. I figure giving into my weakness every once in awhile keeps me humble and human. And yes, I've also learned to enjoy substitutes like fake bacon and grilled Portobello and actually love them as much if not more than the real thing. But now we're raw and I find myself wishing I could figure out a raw substitute for a grilled portobello (which is a substitute for grilled steak) And ya know what? I think I've found it. I just marinate sliced portobello mushrooms a few hours in Nama Shoyu, a little apple cider vinegar, olive oil, some spices and just one drop of that liquid smoke which - okay may not be raw (and yes maybe it's actually a carcinogenic) but I don't care, it gives them the grilled flavor I so love. Then I dehydrate them for a few hours (until they look/taste great) and I swear when they come out, they satisfy my meaty needs. The other night when Graves and our friend Larry ordered pizza (I wanted to punch them in their stupid, stupid guts) I ordered the house salad (w/out croutons or eggs) and I topped it with some of my meaty magic mushrooms and let me tell you- they made that boring ass salad TASTE EVER SO GOOD! Almost as satisfying as pepperoni pizza. Well....ALMOST.

ps I know that those aren't portobello slices - all I had were button mushrooms which are fine but no where as good and meaty as portobello.

DAY THREE

Dear Fruitless,

This is what my husband/man servant chopped up for me this morning. Take in the beauty. TAKE IT IN. It's like ART, right? Breakfast of champions. I should be doing back flips over it but instead I just ate it. Don't get me wrong it was good. I smiled. Bang on the table good? No. Did I have the same joy and excitement I have over my morning warm buttered toast? Uh, no. Even my sprouted flourless rye bread with Earth's Balance 'butter' gives me a bigger jolt of pleasure and in fact feels like a mini birthday party in my mouth compared to the fruit. It was just food. It was good but there were no emotions involved in eating it. Same with my salad at lunch time. Even with the guacamole and carrots I had at dinner. No anticipation. No thrills. No excitement. It was just... food. Now grant it, I'm hyper aware of how damn lucky I am to have this healthy food and I'm not complaining and I kind of feel like an a-hole for saying it outloud - but as I finished my last bite of guacamole, instead of giving thanks for it and for having a husband to make it for me while I'm laid up, I found myself feeling kind of ... bummed. Like I got gypped. Like something was missing. It hit me that fruits and vegetables are just food to me. They don't represent love or comfort or sex or relaxation. They don't numb me out and make me forget. They aren't what I reach for when I celebrate or when I'm suffering. They don't give me enough pleasure to keep me interested long enough to over eat them. And suddenly I realized this is why monkeys aren't fat. Believe me, if baked bread grew on trees, monkeys would be investing in that Sensa and wearing moo moos. Sigh. I guess tonight I realized what I'm really giving up by doing this - it's not that I'm going to go hungry or won't find great raw recipes - it's all the emotions I've built up over the years connected to cooked foods. I don't have that bag of tricks anymore. Now I'm going to go get my bottle ready and put a diaper on because I'm being a big stupid bum baby.

signed,

I-know-I-shouldn't-admit-that-raw-foods-don't-thrill-me

but-that's-how-I-feel-right-now-in-this-moment McQueen

PS I know this was too long. Give me a break MY FOOT IS IN A CAST!

Dear Let Down in a Moo Moo Gown,

I feel your pain. Really I do. But you did hit on something most people don't think about. I have a meat-eating friends who tells me, "You should be eating meat because we have these incisor teeth which make us hunters." I just stare at him and think, really? I'd love to watch him go out to the woods, find a deer and then TAKE HIM DOWN with those half inch long incisor teeth he's so proud of. I mean seriously, just because you've gotten used to eating Trader Joe's bean burritos at night doesn't mean that one day a slice of fruit won't send you to the moon. We're in raw rehab right now. Besides, I had the same problem yesterday because I made a fatal error that most raw wannabe's make: I didn't prepare. So today is about getting serious. I am gonna get that dehydrator going and let me tell you something you already know: When you have had only raw fruit and veggies for TWO days, well the thought of having some pureed, dried corn? DRIED CORN???? Like a Dorito??? Hell yes bring it on!

Get a Grippy,

Nippy

PS Did you win the Lord of the Rings figure set on E-bay last night?

TWO HOURS LATER

Dear Stacy,

Why is my dehydrator so ugly? I mean even toaster ovens come in stainless steal. How hard could it be to design a dehydrator that didn't look like a planes BLACK BOX?

It's not right.

J -

Okay NO I did not win the ever so awesome complete set of Lord of the Rings figurines INCLUDING TREE BEARD... ugh, thanks for adding even more pain to my cheerless day. You know though, you did hit on something - (well, besides the ugliness of dehydrators - future merch?) right now we're in raw rehab. You're right, my taste buds are all polluted. Oh and yeah I realize I'm not at all prepared. Need to get a list going of recipes I want to try and I must remind myself of the herb cashew cheese/spicy flax seed crackers dish I once made and how had there been a preacher handy I would have married it.

S.

P.S. Hate to be the one to tell you - monkeys occasionally eat meat. And fling their poo.