The MEAN Green Machine

All I wanted to do was make some damn corn chips - using a recipe from RAW FOOD REAL WORLD but it was as if I was in a nightmare - one where you're trying to accomplish something but have endless complications like - crumbling teeth or you can't find your pants.

It wasn't until after I'd de-kernelled about 6 ears of corn - that I realized - I don't have a food processor to process said corn. Now you might be asking how the hell have I managed to be raw without a food processor and all I can say is.... that's a good question. You also might be asking yourself how come I didn't realize I needed a food processor until I'm 20 minutes into chopping? Well, that's because when I read a recipe, I tend to only read the list of ingredients needed - and stop there. I never make it to the equipment needed part or the sprouting/fermenting/dehydrating times. Meaning that most of the time I follow a recipe, it turns into an I Love Lucy episode but without the laugh track. So now, with a huge bowl of corn sitting on my counter - I realize I can't use my crappy blender because there's no liquid in the recipe and because it's a crappy blender. But some neurons fire and I remember that not only do I own a GREEN POWER MACHINE but it has mincing capabilities! I feel smug and frankly relieved because Graves bought it for me ten years ago when I first discovered raw and it's been like this touchstone of shame - I had declared that raw was IT and I would be eating this way for the rest of my life so I NEEDED THE GREEN MACHINE - ALL $350 WORTH! Sadly/pathetically I've used it twice. I was looking forward to redemption.

I'm sorry to admit it but it took me awhile to find. Even longer to locate the attachments. Sadly it was covered in shmutz and took another ten minutes to clean. Then it hit me that I had no idea which attachment was for mincing or how it connected to the machine. So I spent thirty minutes looking for the manual. Another 20 searching for it online. Then back to searching the same places I searched before - until finally I stood in the middle of kitchen, hands dramatically over my eyes (just like they did in the Dr. Who: Fires of Pompeii episode) trying to use my psychic powers to summon the manual to me. And it must've worked because a mere 20 minutes later, I HAD THE MANUAL! And after studying it for awhile, I FINALLY figure out how to use it. (again) VOILA! IT'S SMUSHING FOOD! The corn turns to corn mush, the red pepper into red pepper mush, the onions go in and Jill, let me tell you, I'm feeling good knowing that FINALLY I'm going to get my money out of this sucker!

It's right about then, that I grab a cup of flax seeds, pour them cockily in the chute and machine literally grinds to a halt. I'm speechless. I let out a "Wha hoppin?" I spend twenty minutes trying to get the attachment OFF so I can get the flax seed OUT. Tears of frustration and shame were shed. I spend another thirty minutes trying to get that drill dealie out of that plastic thingie but the flax seeds have formed a kind of super glue and melded the two pieces together. It becomes clear that I've some how managed to to screw up yet again. Only later, when Graves comes home to no corn chips, a flax seed covered kitchen and and a broken $350. barely used appliance do I learn that one is never ever supposed to put flax seeds in the Green Machine.

Never. Ever. Ever.

Huh. Good to know.

As he walked way, shaking his head, I could have sworn I heard him exclaim "Oh Lucy."

Waaaaaaa!

DAY THREE

Dear Fruitless,

This is what my husband/man servant chopped up for me this morning. Take in the beauty. TAKE IT IN. It's like ART, right? Breakfast of champions. I should be doing back flips over it but instead I just ate it. Don't get me wrong it was good. I smiled. Bang on the table good? No. Did I have the same joy and excitement I have over my morning warm buttered toast? Uh, no. Even my sprouted flourless rye bread with Earth's Balance 'butter' gives me a bigger jolt of pleasure and in fact feels like a mini birthday party in my mouth compared to the fruit. It was just food. It was good but there were no emotions involved in eating it. Same with my salad at lunch time. Even with the guacamole and carrots I had at dinner. No anticipation. No thrills. No excitement. It was just... food. Now grant it, I'm hyper aware of how damn lucky I am to have this healthy food and I'm not complaining and I kind of feel like an a-hole for saying it outloud - but as I finished my last bite of guacamole, instead of giving thanks for it and for having a husband to make it for me while I'm laid up, I found myself feeling kind of ... bummed. Like I got gypped. Like something was missing. It hit me that fruits and vegetables are just food to me. They don't represent love or comfort or sex or relaxation. They don't numb me out and make me forget. They aren't what I reach for when I celebrate or when I'm suffering. They don't give me enough pleasure to keep me interested long enough to over eat them. And suddenly I realized this is why monkeys aren't fat. Believe me, if baked bread grew on trees, monkeys would be investing in that Sensa and wearing moo moos. Sigh. I guess tonight I realized what I'm really giving up by doing this - it's not that I'm going to go hungry or won't find great raw recipes - it's all the emotions I've built up over the years connected to cooked foods. I don't have that bag of tricks anymore. Now I'm going to go get my bottle ready and put a diaper on because I'm being a big stupid bum baby.

signed,

I-know-I-shouldn't-admit-that-raw-foods-don't-thrill-me

but-that's-how-I-feel-right-now-in-this-moment McQueen

PS I know this was too long. Give me a break MY FOOT IS IN A CAST!

Dear Let Down in a Moo Moo Gown,

I feel your pain. Really I do. But you did hit on something most people don't think about. I have a meat-eating friends who tells me, "You should be eating meat because we have these incisor teeth which make us hunters." I just stare at him and think, really? I'd love to watch him go out to the woods, find a deer and then TAKE HIM DOWN with those half inch long incisor teeth he's so proud of. I mean seriously, just because you've gotten used to eating Trader Joe's bean burritos at night doesn't mean that one day a slice of fruit won't send you to the moon. We're in raw rehab right now. Besides, I had the same problem yesterday because I made a fatal error that most raw wannabe's make: I didn't prepare. So today is about getting serious. I am gonna get that dehydrator going and let me tell you something you already know: When you have had only raw fruit and veggies for TWO days, well the thought of having some pureed, dried corn? DRIED CORN???? Like a Dorito??? Hell yes bring it on!

Get a Grippy,

Nippy

PS Did you win the Lord of the Rings figure set on E-bay last night?

TWO HOURS LATER

Dear Stacy,

Why is my dehydrator so ugly? I mean even toaster ovens come in stainless steal. How hard could it be to design a dehydrator that didn't look like a planes BLACK BOX?

It's not right.

J -

Okay NO I did not win the ever so awesome complete set of Lord of the Rings figurines INCLUDING TREE BEARD... ugh, thanks for adding even more pain to my cheerless day. You know though, you did hit on something - (well, besides the ugliness of dehydrators - future merch?) right now we're in raw rehab. You're right, my taste buds are all polluted. Oh and yeah I realize I'm not at all prepared. Need to get a list going of recipes I want to try and I must remind myself of the herb cashew cheese/spicy flax seed crackers dish I once made and how had there been a preacher handy I would have married it.

S.

P.S. Hate to be the one to tell you - monkeys occasionally eat meat. And fling their poo.

7/25/2010

Dear Jill,

Graves made me this beautiful fruit plate with nectarine slices, cherries and banana... and despite it being so tasty - there was this moment when I was like WAIT! THESE ARE MY FINAL DAYS BEFORE WE GO ALL RAW! I SHOULD BE EATING SOMETHING NAUGHTY, COOKED AND DELICIOUS! I DESERVE IT! No matter that last night I had pizza and a bucket of wine (and a Vicadin -see pin in foot) Not to mention I look/feel hideous and know that eating really fresh LIVE foods will make me feel better. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS NEED TO SELF DESTRUCT? And why isn't being conscious of it enough?

Dear Stacy,

Is this how you visualize us completing a day? I think several smaller exchanges is fun. It might be fun even for one of us to come back 2,3,4 times with new responses? Either way, how do you like the blue? Too matchy matchy with our background? And no matter what I do I cannot figure out how to have a space between our posts, or my Dear Stacy and body content. This old computer sucks. I am gonna go to Best Buy with my other one and hopefully they can fix it while I wait.