Nightmares in Hell

Dear Stacy,

Two summers ago I had dropped about 20 pounds and was running almost every day. Was I in perfect shape? Hell-O Kitty NO!! I am stuck with this heinous C-section scar, but I felt happy despite that and for the first time ever, love was blooming between my body and mind. It was unexpected magic. That relentlessly warped body image that we all struggle with was lifting. I mean, can you fathom what it would be like to enter a room and not compare yourself to every woman there? It's shallow but we ALL do it, and I wanted out.

C'mon! Clap for me!! This is huge!!!! How often does a woman find contentment with who she is physically and emotionally? And be advised, I am not here to vilify my ex-husband (he NEVER harassed me about my weight,) but when I shared this epiphany with him all I got was this slice of inspiration: "You know Jill, if you just lost a little more weight you would really feel so much better about yourself."

I'm sorry, but do you hear that? What IS that awful sound? Oh, of course. It's that old box full of self-loathing dragging it's ass out of the incinerator. Yeah, it's looking for that familiar, cushy spot in the forefront of my mind where it will muck up my every single thought FOREVER!!!.

So. Right. I am aware that everyone has SOMETHING that drives them nuts about their body and yes, mine is the C-section scar. To me, it is a nightmare. So, in my muddled brain here are the options:

A. Feel damaged, or inadequate forever.

B. Go under the knife to "fix" this defect and then suddenly realize how big my THIGHS are!!!

Do you see? It's a perpetual merry-go-round of insecurities. What's the point??? No matter what we do there will always be something to obsess over.

And I am somewhat angry about this because the romantic in me wants to believe that a persons value is appraised by the merits within their heart and not by the scope of their physical flaws. But the reality is....inside my messed up little head, that I think those rules apply to everyone else..and not to me.

God as my witness (channeling Scarlett here,) I REFUSE to spend my last breathing moments on this Earth PARANOID that my hospice nurse thinks I look awful in my hospital gown!!!

But I just don't know how.

IT'S TIME BITCH!

Stacy McQueen August 28 at 8:13pm

okay.
it's time.
we gotta stop pussyfootin' around
and make some magic happen.
yay for raw. yay for us. but we haven't hit
NIRVANA YET.
and you know
what we need to do.
you know you know
i know you know
you know i know that you know.
we both know.
so?

Jill Nipper August 28 at 8:14pm

I say FO SHO I KNOW!!!!

Stacy McQueen August 28 at 8:15pm

then ho let's go!
what says you?
MONDAY?

Jill Nipper August 28 at 8:18pm

Bring it SISTA!!!

I am just ON FIRE and ready for this!!!!

Stacy McQueen August 28 at 8:20pm

AND BY THIS
LET THE WORLD KNOW WE ARE TALKING
RAW
GREEN
SMOOTHIES!!!!

right? I mean that's what I was talking about...

Jill Nipper August 28 at 8:23pm

OH you betcha' sweet cherries we're talking about raw green smoothies. Only THE best thing ever invented...

The fast is on...how long?

Stacy McQueen August 28 at 8:33pm

2 WEEKS!

KIDDING.

3 Days?

I COULD TOTALLY DO 2 WEEKS.

totally.

Jill Nipper August 28 at 8:37pm

Oh, God yeah. I am ALL OVER the two weeks idea...

But then, we don't wanna... you know...INTIMIDATE anyone with our green smoothie prowess.

Maybe we should shoot for the 3 days.

Stacy McQueen August 28 at 8:41pm

Yeah, we should think of others - hate to make our 5 readers feel inferior.

okay three days it is.

Goodbye mushrooms!
Goodbye cucumber salad!
Goodbye WINE!

Jill Nipper August 28 at 8:46pm

Goodbye......wine? I mean YES!!!! GOODBYE WINE!!!!!!!!

Alright, so consider this my spit-shake. We. Are. On.

Stacy McQueen August 28 at 8:49pm

Patooey.

Firm handshake.

It is done.

But thankfully it doesn't start until Monday

(sound of uncorking - mushrooms being slid out of
dehydrator and spiced nuts being popped in my mouth)

Jill Nipper August 28 at 8:53pm

Fo sho, ho.

Fo. Sho.

A conversation with Scott

Scott Johnson August 24 at 12:12am

I just read over your blog. I get the vegan thing, but not real clear on the raw. Is this an extension of vegan? What is the motivation to go with this sort of diet?

It is great you have a partner for something like this. Your posts have been quite enjoyable to read; especially the part about cuss words.

I am cheering you all on!
Scott

Jill Nipper August 24 12:54am

I want to believe that there is this untapped SPIRITUALITY that comes from eating foods in their natural state. Stacy and I both wonder what that feels like! Will we be energized, or depleted? What will our bodies look like, and seriously, how will our hearts feel?

A few years ago I left my house to go jogging, and ended up running for three straight miles... without stopping. I found myself surrounded by open pastures and cornfields. The whole terrain had changed! I was flabbergasted that I had run this far, but the real beauty in that moment was that I knew I could get myself home...and I would do it by running three MORE miles. I began to wonder what else I could do.

I think this experiment in raw is like that run. To have collected enough faith to just throw caution to the wind and promise to endure, no matter what...is exhilarating.

What do you mean about the cussing?

Jill

Scott Johnson August 24 at 1:16am

That is quite a challenge. I do know that some things do taste better in their natural state. My grandparents were farmers, and I recall many a summer night sitting in the garden, eating peas directly out of the pod. They had this amazing flavor that gets lost somewhere on the way to the store. Reading your blog stoked those memories, and makes me wish I could have a garden...

The post titled 7/25/2010 was an exchange between you two that involved your wanting ground rules on allowable cuss words. (You are only the second female I have known to admit to using the C-word.)

Scott

Jill Nipper August 24 at 10:00am

Stacy and I weren't really friends in college but online we kinda clicked. So we go on this green smoothie fast together and at first it was, “Oh good morning Stacy, how are you feeling today?” But after about three days of ONLY GREEN SMOOTHIES one of us snapped and the F-bombs were officially released from solitary confinement. I don't understand why cussing makes me feel so good. When I send Stacy emails calling her a bitch, why do I laugh so hard? AND WHY DOES SHE?????

I hear what you are saying about those memories of fresh, real food at your grandparents farm, and Scott, you said it so beautifully. The simplicity of it all...that is magic. And I miss that too.

Jill

PS As far as admitting to using the C-word....you gotta be known for something.

Kooks of a feather?

Jill Nipper August 5 at 11:42am

Hahaha...just watch a minute of this..no wonder people think raw foodies are nuts...I mean someone tell her to SWALLOW her food before she starts talking!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yY2J9T9CC7w

raw magic

www.youtube.com

its the realovution baby

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Stacy McQueen August 5 at 11:48am

In the beginning I was like- I know you have to eat it allll the time but really DURING THE VIDEO? You know what's really funny... (I watched the whole thing - cussing and all) yeah, she comes off like a complete wackadoo - and yet that's exactly how we felt on our 12 day smoothie fast. Exactly.