Nightmares in Hell

Dear Stacy,

Two summers ago I had dropped about 20 pounds and was running almost every day. Was I in perfect shape? Hell-O Kitty NO!! I am stuck with this heinous C-section scar, but I felt happy despite that and for the first time ever, love was blooming between my body and mind. It was unexpected magic. That relentlessly warped body image that we all struggle with was lifting. I mean, can you fathom what it would be like to enter a room and not compare yourself to every woman there? It's shallow but we ALL do it, and I wanted out.

C'mon! Clap for me!! This is huge!!!! How often does a woman find contentment with who she is physically and emotionally? And be advised, I am not here to vilify my ex-husband (he NEVER harassed me about my weight,) but when I shared this epiphany with him all I got was this slice of inspiration: "You know Jill, if you just lost a little more weight you would really feel so much better about yourself."

I'm sorry, but do you hear that? What IS that awful sound? Oh, of course. It's that old box full of self-loathing dragging it's ass out of the incinerator. Yeah, it's looking for that familiar, cushy spot in the forefront of my mind where it will muck up my every single thought FOREVER!!!.

So. Right. I am aware that everyone has SOMETHING that drives them nuts about their body and yes, mine is the C-section scar. To me, it is a nightmare. So, in my muddled brain here are the options:

A. Feel damaged, or inadequate forever.

B. Go under the knife to "fix" this defect and then suddenly realize how big my THIGHS are!!!

Do you see? It's a perpetual merry-go-round of insecurities. What's the point??? No matter what we do there will always be something to obsess over.

And I am somewhat angry about this because the romantic in me wants to believe that a persons value is appraised by the merits within their heart and not by the scope of their physical flaws. But the reality is....inside my messed up little head, that I think those rules apply to everyone else..and not to me.

God as my witness (channeling Scarlett here,) I REFUSE to spend my last breathing moments on this Earth PARANOID that my hospice nurse thinks I look awful in my hospital gown!!!

But I just don't know how.