The House that Shame Built

“Then let us start as soon as it is light tomorrow, if we can. The wolf that one hears is worse than the orc that one fears.” - Lord of the Rings...

jill,

i think we're hitting on
not only what's at the root of you & me
but what lies beneath the surface of every woman we know.

SHAME.
i've been reeling since I first stumbled on this
i've walked around in a daze
and it feels like

there are these TWO TRUTHS
and i ping pong between them both
one second it's
YES I'M FAT AND THIS FLAB THAT'S HANGING OVER MY PANTS IS REAL
and then it's
YES IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT AND I'M PERFECT JUST THE WAY I AM.

as hard as it is -
as painful as this feels
i think that lifting the rock and looking at
what lives inside of US
is incredibly powerful.

because i think this colors our life

whether we're conscious of it or not.

just know

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE TODAY
you don't even have to accept it
today is just about going "holy crap!"

and trying out the possibility

that you may be beautiful and desirable and deserving right now.

maybe tomorrow too.
i'm telling you (me)
you/I'm living in a house of cards
a house built of shame

a house of lies.
but finally
i'm thinking we're discovering a door
that leads OUT
i know it
i feel it in my bones.

it IS and it's NOT about the weight. or the shape of things or

age or wrinkles or imperfections.

and all this negative feeling you're/i'm having
is just because you've stirred the pot

and maybe JUST MAYBE

a part of you knows i'm right

a tiny part of you is screaming YES

maybe we'll find - and truly believe that

the weight we've gained over the past few years
IS JUST
EXCESSIVE EMOTIONAL WEIGHT -

it's the physical manifestation of the stuff we don't want to deal with.

i think when we get to that place of love
and really GET that
we are lovable
no matter what we weigh
we will
be able to dump this excessive emotional weight.
it's the same thing. dump that and you're golden.

you are beautiful.
you are worthy
you are strong
and you are courageous
YOU WILL conquer this
and it's not going to just be
some mind game
it's going to be real.
and you're going to get to experience a joy you've never experienced before.
and so am i.

hand in hand we go, jill.