NO APOLOGY THIS TIME...

Jill - this is not a confession to you because you already know - it's more of a statement for our dear readers (all 19 of them):

I BROKE THE RAW EXPERIMENT.

I had great intentions of staying raw on my vacation to Hawaii. I really did. Sure I was scared but I brought avocados and a lemon on the plane with me. I lost my boot for my lame foot somehow but that didn't stop me from hobbling to the not so near Food Pantry where a small tub of tomatoes runs for 9.00. I lugged back some fruit and a bag of coleslaw - and tried to fit it in the tiny hotel fridge with it's non shutting door. Then I came down with this crappy cold and my get up and go just got up and went. I sat alone in my hotel room and assessed my situation: no knife, no cutting board, no big fridge to hold produce, no blender, no dishes, can't walk, no car, no access to affordable produce. No nearby salad bars -and I refuse to pay 18 for a small fruit salad from room service. I made the decision - that it's crazy for me to beat myself up for breaking raw under these circumstances.

I will say - I was surprised to find - that I really do PREFER raw foods to cooked. I miss raw green smoothies like you wouldn't believe. I crave them. I didn't expect that. I surprise myself daily - despite being off the experiment - I choose a fruit bowl instead of chips at the snack bar while visiting Hamahaalalalyoa Bay (not the real name - who knows what it was) I almost passed out when the one morning we did have a car - Steve found a juice bar and I had a cucumber, spinach, honeydew, lemon, celery juice. I felt amazing after it. I'm gleeful to discover that the ABC store in the hotel offers tubs of pineapple that make a great breakfast. But when at the North Shore - Silverman, Jim and I stopped at some famous shrimp truck - and my choices were lemon shrimp, garlic shrimp or fried shrimp -

I was happy I didn't have to make like some raw martyr and watch them eat while I pretended the wafting garlic smell wasn't driving me wild. (BTW best damn shrimp I've ever had)

Jill, I have to tell you - it was SUCH A RELIEF to have broken the experiment - and NOT because I wanted cooked foods but because I realized that part of the reason I was struggling so much with the experiment for the past few weeks and was feeling such intense pressure was because I lived with a daily fear about breaking and causing YOU to have to start over. When I broke the last time - and you turned the day counter back to 1 for BOTH of us - yes it was one of those heartwarming moments - not unlike the story of the mentally challenged kid who's winning the race but stops and goes back to help the other mentally challenged kid who fell and is crying in the dirt. Everyone cheers as they cross the finish line together. At the time - it felt like that - and I was touched and grateful. But the past month - I've felt more like Vincent D'Onofrio in Full Metal Jacket after the jelly doughnut was discovered in his footlocker.

Knowing you are the reason why the whole platoon gets punished - is a horrible fate. I see now that for the past few weeks - I've been the fat guy, lying in my bunk - worrying about the next day. Not because of the challenge itself - but fear that I will not live up to the experiment and blow it for you. I so didn't want to be the weak one - AGAIN. While it's true you've never tied me in my bunk and beaten me with a sock full of soap bars - let me tell you, the pressure was there.

But now that I broke - and we've decided that you are not only going to keep your numbers- but add the 20 days you lost the last time - I'm so relieved. And now - I can jump back on the raw train and feel I'm doing it for all the right reasons. I know it seems paradoxical but BECAUSE I've broken - I see more than ever - raw is the way for me. I do hope that I can someday achieve 90 straight days of raw - but whether I do or not - I've gotten soooo much out of this - I can't help but be grateful. At least I didn't end up like Private Lawrence...