I DIDN'T MAKE IT TWO DAYS...

YEAH THAT'S RIGHT JILL... by day 2 something happened (that I can't blog about - needless to say I felt all emotional) and the next thing I know I'm making a vat of popcorn and dousing it with a crap load of chili lime salt and shoving it in my gob while mindlessly watching The Last Exorcism (good and scary by the way - well the ending is a bit silly but after all it IS a horror film - but I digress) EVERYTHING I PROCLAIMED IN MY LAST POST TURNED OUT TO BE BULLSHIT. Worse - I'm now convinced that I'm lacking something in my character make up that is necessary in order to 'go raw'.

Flip. F'n. Flop.

So what now? I don't know. I really don't...

HAPPY RAW YEAR!

Hey Jill - are you there? I know we've had the holidays and you've had school and a new boyfriend and the kids and it's freaking cold over there in Ohio and yes I've been nutty busy and I know we've slacked off from writing each other on FB but I just wanted to take a moment and say what a year 2010 was for us, huh? We went from being a couple of gals who vaguely remembered each other from college to raw buddies to blog partners to good friends. And while we didn't get to that raw 90 day finish line together - I think we both got a LOT out of it, right? And yeah I've been flip flopping back and forth about going forward with this blog but today I woke up and I realized I'm NOT flip flopping about going raw again. Raw brought me closer to the me I want to be than I've ever been. That 12 day raw green smoothie fast we did last year still haunts me and I can honestly say I've never felt better, more spiritual or more optimistic in my life. And I want MORE of that. What blows my mind is that stumbling onto raw green smoothies was like discovering a magical elixir - one that makes you happier than you've ever felt in your life - that turns back the clock - that makes you feel more alive and beautifuler (that's a word right?) and smarter... suddenly you can 'hear' the universe talking back to you - and on a daily basis strange coincidences happen - so mysteriously perfect and meaningful - you feel DIVINE -

AND YET....

the moment you step away from it... you slowly forget... until it's just a vague memory - an impossible dream you once had. You go from MAGICAL ELIXIR to finding yourself sadly staring into the dark abyss while dipping Nilla Wafers into a mug of rum and looking/feeling like Jabba the hut. (Funny, I couldn't find a picture of Jabba dipping Nilla Wafers into a mug of rum but I did find this - close enough.)

(I'm holding back the urge to go off on a tangent about the whole Jabba the hutt/Princess Leia in the bikini image is a perfect visual metaphor for how COOKED FOODS vs RAW FOODS makes you look/feel. Remember the chain around Leia's neck???.... hmmm)

BUT NO MATTER because it's a NEW YEAR! - and there's real magic in that. A new opportunity for a fresh start - another chance to be the best versions of ourselves and I know my best self is mostly raw.

And yes I said I would start on Jan. 2nd but I forgot it's a Sunday and it's hard to start anything on a Sunday. So I'm starting TODAY. Right now. For reals. What am I starting? I believe I've come up with the perfect plan for me. I'm kicking off 2011 by doing a 7 days of raw green smoothie fast (and no wine!) Then I'll go raw with the exception of one meal a week. I think knowing I have one meal a week ironically will keep me raw longer and besides I'm kind of convinced now that you don't have to be 100 percent raw to reap the healthy benefits. I think if I'm at least 80 percent raw - I'll transform and get the GLOW. Knowing I can have that one cooked meal means I can give into a craving of beans and rice - or have a date night at Osteria La Bucca. I do well with parameters but if they are too strict I think I set myself up for failure. I realized last year that anything I can't see myself doing forever - is too strict. But I think this is a plan that I can live with and most represents my ideal life.

So what do you say Jill? What are your raw resolutions? Wanna make 2011 the year we finally find SHANGRI RAW?

Look Who Came Crawling Back!

Where the Hell have I been the last couple of months?

Um, working hard at being mentally checked out? I have neglected everything!

School? Dropped classes like nobody's business. I made it all the way to the last three weeks of Math with a solid B. Unfortunately, Professor Tran tended to over-enunciate his D's, biting down on them so hard that they would ring in the air a good 10 seconds after leaving his mouth. And go figure... every third sentence he spoke was either:

Do you understand?

Did I make it clear?

Don't forget to show your work!

I seriously was about to pull my eyelashes out. I figure there's nothing wrong with summer school!

Family? We've had snow on the ground for a few weeks now and I just noticed that my kid doesn't own one long sleeve shirt, and that all of his jeans (you could really call them Capri's) have gaping holes in them.

Raw? So it was day 82 (still is, have you noticed?) and I was so terribly cocky about making it to day 90 that I felt utterly coated in Teflon. I could do no wrong in the raw world. Yeah, that's when it all came tumbling down.

It wasn't a dramatic fall, and I barely even remember it. But I should have known that my over-confidence, combined with cinnamon rice cereal, was a recipe for failure. That's all it was. 3:00 am and a handful of sugary cereal ... I was done.

Did I feel bad? Hell no!! I felt free for the first time in, well, 82 days! But after the initial, "I'm never writing a f***ing post again!!!" wore off I started to realize that it had been pretty stupid mistake. And the irony that here I sit, writing yet another post, isn't lost on me.

As far as an "after" picture, this is all you're getting. You DID hear me say I was mentally checked out, right? I took this one last night and offer it as proof that I'm not waifish (dammit!), and my hair hasn't fallen out from malnutrition. I feel healthy, spectacular even. I'm still running and my joints never bother me, which had always been a problem in the past.

And the million dollar question: am I still eating raw?

Yes, for the most part. But I figure if I have a handsome man wanting to cook lentil soup with me, then who am I to argue? I'm gonna live, and not be rigid. But, I really like raw. It changed my life in more ways than you can begin to dream of. Maybe I'll write another post about that sometime soon.

The Consequences of Cooked

In September I jumped off the raw experiment wagon and have basically been in VACATION MODE ever since. I took this photo yesterday ( modeling my Kotex sleep mask for my upcoming craft blog) and after the initial shame/horror washed over me - I realized it really does represent how I feel right now physically. (Mentally I'm truly excited about life, my new project, Steve coming home for Thanksgiving, pretty much everything) But physically I feel heavy (gained back the 10lbs I lost when all raw) bloated, my hair is dull and frizzy - my skin looks dim and splotchy- just an over all not so hotness. I confess that I look in the mirror and do not like what I see. The worst part is the hopelessness that seems to be blossoming - I find myself telling myself lies: "Well this is just middle age. This is how it is for everybody. Your days of looking/feeling great are behind you. You might as well accept it all. You are doomed my friend DOOMED." This isn't just all about vanity either - things are going ON in my body - some TMI things - needless to say the plumbing is all off , my hormones are wackadoo -yep, my hot flashes are back (I ate tempeh, soy butter and Veganaise and bam SURGES started immediately) Pile this on to the fact I'm JUST NOW getting to wear shoes (due to that foot surgery in JULY- no exercise for FOUR MONTHS) I feel like crap.

And then I stumbled (and by stumbled I mean I was sadly perusing my old profile photos on FB because the above photo I was using made me sick) I stumbled on some photos of me FROM A MERE TWO MONTHS AGO taken during the raw experiment - and I just couldn't believe the difference:

(okay yeah i have make up on and there's a funky filter (ps there's the same funky filter on the other photo) even so all the photos taken that day I was happy with -more than anything this picture represents how I FELT on raw)

This picture reminded me that just a couple of months ago - that I was on a beach in Hawaii feeling at one with my body for the first time in my life. F.Y.I. I have NEVER worn a bathing suit in public - not without some kind of sarong or giant men's Tshirt - despite my absolute LOVE for water - I've convinced myself I do not enjoy beaches or pools when really it's a shame thing. So yeah, it was a BIG DEAL for me to just sit on the beach with Silverman and Jim and just ENJOY THE BEACH - to happily walk to the water - to swim for hours and just enjoy it and my friends without the burden of self loathing. I felt so f'n FREE!

I didn't feel perfect - but I felt like me and felt fiercely proud and protective of myself. And I KNEW that I was on my way to my authentic physical self. More importantly I felt I had crossed over to a place of KNOWING that the raw lifestyle was my ticket to Love Myselfville. I remember telling someone that even if I wanted to - I could never go back to my old cooked ways - they were behind me forever.

BOY WAS I WRONG.

I fell back into my old ways easily - effortlessly - without thought of the consequences. And only now do I see what the consequences of cooked are.

I miss raw. I miss my dehydrator. I miss raw green smoothies. I miss Jill and I miss this blog...

but most of all - I miss the me I was while raw.

Okay so now what? Sure I'd LIKE to take up raw like RIGHT NOW but - the holidays are here - it's like trying to quit drinking on New Years Eve - IMPOSSIBLE! (don't read anything into that statement please) No, instead it's Thanksgiving and I'm on my way out to get all the ingredients to make a completely cooked feast. I enable myself by saying "If it were just me - if I didn't have Steve and guests coming over"- "if it wasn't cold" - "if cornbread stuffing didn't taste so freaking awesome" (seriously it's not Thanksgiving without dressing right?) "if cooked foods didn't say HAPPY HOLIDAYS to me" ... but the bottom line is - I'm just not over my cooked addictions yet.

And that's okay. I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm going to enjoy the holidays - and daydream of next year when I am easily and effortlessly 80 percent raw and able to make a mostly raw meal for Thanksgiving that will rock the socks off of everyone involved.

Next year I'll be making this:

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

All Good Things Must End

Dear Stacy,

Yes, it's true. As I begin wrapping up my 90 days of raw, I believe that the mutual infatuation Robert and I have shared has run its course (and I swear it isn't because of this picture!!)

Okay, the picture doesn't help.

We've had some good times in this blog. The best moment for me, hands down, was when my sister informed me that my Mom was in a snit because I was dating this "Rob" person.

Oh yeah...I'm serious.

As far as raw is concerned, I get asked daily if I will continue to eat raw after my time is up. It's a fair question, and at this point I want to continue mulling it over before I make a commitment.

You wanna know how I felt the day after last weeks victorious 3 mile run? I needed a wheelchair for 3 days to recover!!!! By day 4, I was feeling better and ran for 3.5 miles, stopping only because I don't want to sadistically push myself anymore. I am focusing hard on being happy with 3 miles, and accepting that I probably won't ever be a marathon runner. I am more than a little amazed that I don't have any aches or pains after running these last few days. I wonder if the supplements I started taking have contributed to that...

So here I sit in my kitchen, on day 78, feeling a little melancholy... puzzled over what life will be like outside the confines of this blog and these 90 days.

Maybe it won't be any different at all. I know that I will still use my Edward Cullen cup for my green smoothies (some rituals are worth holding on to.) But the truth is, much like the way I felt after seeing Robert in his scarf and little black socks, I'm afraid it's not gonna feel the same.

'LICIOUS DISHES

Steve decided that all he wanted to do on Saturday was see Inception so we took the number 19 bus to the Dole Cannery which turned out to be this really surreal empty mall/office building hybrid. Despite it being the weekend - the only people we saw - sat at tables playing some kind of D&D game. No one was talking - just slapping cards down. We walked down empty halls - passed weird closed stores while creepy music played. I swear if zombies had suddenly came slow walking towards me - it would've totally made sense. We had planned to grab lunch before the movie but didn't count on the only food being in the half closed prisony looking food court. Suddenly Steve let's out a whoop and says "LICIOUS DISHES! LICIOUS DISHES!" What the hell?

Turns out he had read (and forgotten obviously until that moment) that "Licious Dishes" - the the only raw food place in all of Oahu just happens to be in the Dole Cannery! SCORE!

We opened the door and walked straight into a kitchen with two women prepping food -

Turns out - it's not a restaurant - more like one of those raw delivery services (like Rawvolution)

We got to meet the wonderful owner Sylvia Thompson (right) who first discovered raw in 2005 when she ate at PURE FOOD & WINE (my fave raw books are by those guys.) Despite being really busy prepping orders - she took the time to show us what they were making - we got an up close look at the AMAZING raw burger patties. (drool)

LUCKY for us they have a fridge chok full of raw goodness -

We wanted to try everything!

We got a veggie burger, lasagna, a tomato salad, flax seed crackers and a layer bean dip (did I mention we were starving?)

We also got this Kombucha stuff they serve in a cool mason jar but I aint gonna lie - it looked thick and scary.

By the time she threw in a free bag of kale chips, I was shaking with joy. We took our raw booty and found a table next to the weirdos -

And lemme tell you - it was crazy good. The burger wasn't just the best raw burger - but the best burger EVER. The raw mustard & mayo - DELICIOUS! The layered bean dip was party worthy. And that Kambucha was the best damn beverage I've ever had. It was fizzy and sweet and not like the commercial Kambucha I've tried from Whole Foods. Steve - after just a few bites and sips turns to me and says - "You can really feel the energy!" (which was saying a lot considering the exhausting hours he worked that week) It was true - each bite seemed to fill us with this crazy good energy and joy. We hadn't felt that with any cooked meal we'd had so far. Ya know Jill - I broke the raw experiment thinking that I would feel relieved - that cooked food would taste SOOOOO GOOOD after so many weeks of raw... but it didn't. (okay maybe the spicy garlic shrimp plate - that was nuttygood) But for the most part - nothing did it for me like this meal did. Nothing after that tasted that good. Raw food TASTES better than cooked to me now. I guess you can call that progress.

Run Bitch, Run!

Dear Stacy,

I seem to have run out of things to say about being raw, and just when I was ready to give up on this weeks post, something marvelous happened. I have been waking up around 5:00 am every morning to walk on my treadmill, and it's interesting because I keep very late hours and should be too tired, but this pre-dawn ritual has turned into the second best part of my day!

Todays walk was different. I had covered about a 1/4 of a mile when I had the bright idea to start running. It felt pretty good, so I made a pact with myself to run for 1 mile straight without stopping...just to see if I could do it. It started to wear thin about 1/2 mile in, but I'm pretty stubborn, so I pushed it. By the time I reached the mark I was seriously starting to percolate!

Oh Yeah!!! I'd forgotten that running is a nightmare for the first 15 minutes, but if you stick it out everything just opens up and you can fly!! I figured that I had come this far, I might as well do another 1/2 mile...or hell, maybe a whole one. I was beginning to remember all of the handpicked running songs on my Ipod that had been neglected for two whole years.

My very favorite: Eminem's "Lose Yourself."

"Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted, one moment, would you capture it or just let it slip away?"

Well, Hell YES, Eminem, I'm gonna capture it right here in this moment!!! As I pass the 2 mile mark I start contemplating going for 3...all I have had to eat is a green smoothie but I am feeling it, so why not? My whole body is tingling from the endorphin release, and yet I'm conflicted because the obsessive compulsive in me KNOWS that I walked the first 1/4 mile. If I want to say that I actually ran for 3 miles straight, then I'm gonna have to stretch it to 3 1/4 miles.

Dammit! This is how I have always run....stupid mental mind games!! So I said, "shit, I hate myself," and kept going.

I was seriously laughing when I finished, and I couldn't help but think of all the unexpected ways that these 71 days of raw have changed me. It's been pretty well documented on the pages of this blog that I desperately wanted to find my power, and I can't believe that I am about to say this, but that is exactly what I have found!

So in honor of the great Eminem, I leave you with these words of wisdom..may they inspire you as they have me:

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment

You own it, you better never let it go

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo!