Look Who Came Crawling Back!

Where the Hell have I been the last couple of months?

Um, working hard at being mentally checked out? I have neglected everything!

School? Dropped classes like nobody's business. I made it all the way to the last three weeks of Math with a solid B. Unfortunately, Professor Tran tended to over-enunciate his D's, biting down on them so hard that they would ring in the air a good 10 seconds after leaving his mouth. And go figure... every third sentence he spoke was either:

Do you understand?

Did I make it clear?

Don't forget to show your work!

I seriously was about to pull my eyelashes out. I figure there's nothing wrong with summer school!

Family? We've had snow on the ground for a few weeks now and I just noticed that my kid doesn't own one long sleeve shirt, and that all of his jeans (you could really call them Capri's) have gaping holes in them.

Raw? So it was day 82 (still is, have you noticed?) and I was so terribly cocky about making it to day 90 that I felt utterly coated in Teflon. I could do no wrong in the raw world. Yeah, that's when it all came tumbling down.

It wasn't a dramatic fall, and I barely even remember it. But I should have known that my over-confidence, combined with cinnamon rice cereal, was a recipe for failure. That's all it was. 3:00 am and a handful of sugary cereal ... I was done.

Did I feel bad? Hell no!! I felt free for the first time in, well, 82 days! But after the initial, "I'm never writing a f***ing post again!!!" wore off I started to realize that it had been pretty stupid mistake. And the irony that here I sit, writing yet another post, isn't lost on me.

As far as an "after" picture, this is all you're getting. You DID hear me say I was mentally checked out, right? I took this one last night and offer it as proof that I'm not waifish (dammit!), and my hair hasn't fallen out from malnutrition. I feel healthy, spectacular even. I'm still running and my joints never bother me, which had always been a problem in the past.

And the million dollar question: am I still eating raw?

Yes, for the most part. But I figure if I have a handsome man wanting to cook lentil soup with me, then who am I to argue? I'm gonna live, and not be rigid. But, I really like raw. It changed my life in more ways than you can begin to dream of. Maybe I'll write another post about that sometime soon.

The Consequences of Cooked

In September I jumped off the raw experiment wagon and have basically been in VACATION MODE ever since. I took this photo yesterday ( modeling my Kotex sleep mask for my upcoming craft blog) and after the initial shame/horror washed over me - I realized it really does represent how I feel right now physically. (Mentally I'm truly excited about life, my new project, Steve coming home for Thanksgiving, pretty much everything) But physically I feel heavy (gained back the 10lbs I lost when all raw) bloated, my hair is dull and frizzy - my skin looks dim and splotchy- just an over all not so hotness. I confess that I look in the mirror and do not like what I see. The worst part is the hopelessness that seems to be blossoming - I find myself telling myself lies: "Well this is just middle age. This is how it is for everybody. Your days of looking/feeling great are behind you. You might as well accept it all. You are doomed my friend DOOMED." This isn't just all about vanity either - things are going ON in my body - some TMI things - needless to say the plumbing is all off , my hormones are wackadoo -yep, my hot flashes are back (I ate tempeh, soy butter and Veganaise and bam SURGES started immediately) Pile this on to the fact I'm JUST NOW getting to wear shoes (due to that foot surgery in JULY- no exercise for FOUR MONTHS) I feel like crap.

And then I stumbled (and by stumbled I mean I was sadly perusing my old profile photos on FB because the above photo I was using made me sick) I stumbled on some photos of me FROM A MERE TWO MONTHS AGO taken during the raw experiment - and I just couldn't believe the difference:

(okay yeah i have make up on and there's a funky filter (ps there's the same funky filter on the other photo) even so all the photos taken that day I was happy with -more than anything this picture represents how I FELT on raw)

This picture reminded me that just a couple of months ago - that I was on a beach in Hawaii feeling at one with my body for the first time in my life. F.Y.I. I have NEVER worn a bathing suit in public - not without some kind of sarong or giant men's Tshirt - despite my absolute LOVE for water - I've convinced myself I do not enjoy beaches or pools when really it's a shame thing. So yeah, it was a BIG DEAL for me to just sit on the beach with Silverman and Jim and just ENJOY THE BEACH - to happily walk to the water - to swim for hours and just enjoy it and my friends without the burden of self loathing. I felt so f'n FREE!

I didn't feel perfect - but I felt like me and felt fiercely proud and protective of myself. And I KNEW that I was on my way to my authentic physical self. More importantly I felt I had crossed over to a place of KNOWING that the raw lifestyle was my ticket to Love Myselfville. I remember telling someone that even if I wanted to - I could never go back to my old cooked ways - they were behind me forever.

BOY WAS I WRONG.

I fell back into my old ways easily - effortlessly - without thought of the consequences. And only now do I see what the consequences of cooked are.

I miss raw. I miss my dehydrator. I miss raw green smoothies. I miss Jill and I miss this blog...

but most of all - I miss the me I was while raw.

Okay so now what? Sure I'd LIKE to take up raw like RIGHT NOW but - the holidays are here - it's like trying to quit drinking on New Years Eve - IMPOSSIBLE! (don't read anything into that statement please) No, instead it's Thanksgiving and I'm on my way out to get all the ingredients to make a completely cooked feast. I enable myself by saying "If it were just me - if I didn't have Steve and guests coming over"- "if it wasn't cold" - "if cornbread stuffing didn't taste so freaking awesome" (seriously it's not Thanksgiving without dressing right?) "if cooked foods didn't say HAPPY HOLIDAYS to me" ... but the bottom line is - I'm just not over my cooked addictions yet.

And that's okay. I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm going to enjoy the holidays - and daydream of next year when I am easily and effortlessly 80 percent raw and able to make a mostly raw meal for Thanksgiving that will rock the socks off of everyone involved.

Next year I'll be making this:

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

All Good Things Must End

Dear Stacy,

Yes, it's true. As I begin wrapping up my 90 days of raw, I believe that the mutual infatuation Robert and I have shared has run its course (and I swear it isn't because of this picture!!)

Okay, the picture doesn't help.

We've had some good times in this blog. The best moment for me, hands down, was when my sister informed me that my Mom was in a snit because I was dating this "Rob" person.

Oh yeah...I'm serious.

As far as raw is concerned, I get asked daily if I will continue to eat raw after my time is up. It's a fair question, and at this point I want to continue mulling it over before I make a commitment.

You wanna know how I felt the day after last weeks victorious 3 mile run? I needed a wheelchair for 3 days to recover!!!! By day 4, I was feeling better and ran for 3.5 miles, stopping only because I don't want to sadistically push myself anymore. I am focusing hard on being happy with 3 miles, and accepting that I probably won't ever be a marathon runner. I am more than a little amazed that I don't have any aches or pains after running these last few days. I wonder if the supplements I started taking have contributed to that...

So here I sit in my kitchen, on day 78, feeling a little melancholy... puzzled over what life will be like outside the confines of this blog and these 90 days.

Maybe it won't be any different at all. I know that I will still use my Edward Cullen cup for my green smoothies (some rituals are worth holding on to.) But the truth is, much like the way I felt after seeing Robert in his scarf and little black socks, I'm afraid it's not gonna feel the same.

'LICIOUS DISHES

Steve decided that all he wanted to do on Saturday was see Inception so we took the number 19 bus to the Dole Cannery which turned out to be this really surreal empty mall/office building hybrid. Despite it being the weekend - the only people we saw - sat at tables playing some kind of D&D game. No one was talking - just slapping cards down. We walked down empty halls - passed weird closed stores while creepy music played. I swear if zombies had suddenly came slow walking towards me - it would've totally made sense. We had planned to grab lunch before the movie but didn't count on the only food being in the half closed prisony looking food court. Suddenly Steve let's out a whoop and says "LICIOUS DISHES! LICIOUS DISHES!" What the hell?

Turns out he had read (and forgotten obviously until that moment) that "Licious Dishes" - the the only raw food place in all of Oahu just happens to be in the Dole Cannery! SCORE!

We opened the door and walked straight into a kitchen with two women prepping food -

Turns out - it's not a restaurant - more like one of those raw delivery services (like Rawvolution)

We got to meet the wonderful owner Sylvia Thompson (right) who first discovered raw in 2005 when she ate at PURE FOOD & WINE (my fave raw books are by those guys.) Despite being really busy prepping orders - she took the time to show us what they were making - we got an up close look at the AMAZING raw burger patties. (drool)

LUCKY for us they have a fridge chok full of raw goodness -

We wanted to try everything!

We got a veggie burger, lasagna, a tomato salad, flax seed crackers and a layer bean dip (did I mention we were starving?)

We also got this Kombucha stuff they serve in a cool mason jar but I aint gonna lie - it looked thick and scary.

By the time she threw in a free bag of kale chips, I was shaking with joy. We took our raw booty and found a table next to the weirdos -

And lemme tell you - it was crazy good. The burger wasn't just the best raw burger - but the best burger EVER. The raw mustard & mayo - DELICIOUS! The layered bean dip was party worthy. And that Kambucha was the best damn beverage I've ever had. It was fizzy and sweet and not like the commercial Kambucha I've tried from Whole Foods. Steve - after just a few bites and sips turns to me and says - "You can really feel the energy!" (which was saying a lot considering the exhausting hours he worked that week) It was true - each bite seemed to fill us with this crazy good energy and joy. We hadn't felt that with any cooked meal we'd had so far. Ya know Jill - I broke the raw experiment thinking that I would feel relieved - that cooked food would taste SOOOOO GOOOD after so many weeks of raw... but it didn't. (okay maybe the spicy garlic shrimp plate - that was nuttygood) But for the most part - nothing did it for me like this meal did. Nothing after that tasted that good. Raw food TASTES better than cooked to me now. I guess you can call that progress.

Run Bitch, Run!

Dear Stacy,

I seem to have run out of things to say about being raw, and just when I was ready to give up on this weeks post, something marvelous happened. I have been waking up around 5:00 am every morning to walk on my treadmill, and it's interesting because I keep very late hours and should be too tired, but this pre-dawn ritual has turned into the second best part of my day!

Todays walk was different. I had covered about a 1/4 of a mile when I had the bright idea to start running. It felt pretty good, so I made a pact with myself to run for 1 mile straight without stopping...just to see if I could do it. It started to wear thin about 1/2 mile in, but I'm pretty stubborn, so I pushed it. By the time I reached the mark I was seriously starting to percolate!

Oh Yeah!!! I'd forgotten that running is a nightmare for the first 15 minutes, but if you stick it out everything just opens up and you can fly!! I figured that I had come this far, I might as well do another 1/2 mile...or hell, maybe a whole one. I was beginning to remember all of the handpicked running songs on my Ipod that had been neglected for two whole years.

My very favorite: Eminem's "Lose Yourself."

"Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted, one moment, would you capture it or just let it slip away?"

Well, Hell YES, Eminem, I'm gonna capture it right here in this moment!!! As I pass the 2 mile mark I start contemplating going for 3...all I have had to eat is a green smoothie but I am feeling it, so why not? My whole body is tingling from the endorphin release, and yet I'm conflicted because the obsessive compulsive in me KNOWS that I walked the first 1/4 mile. If I want to say that I actually ran for 3 miles straight, then I'm gonna have to stretch it to 3 1/4 miles.

Dammit! This is how I have always run....stupid mental mind games!! So I said, "shit, I hate myself," and kept going.

I was seriously laughing when I finished, and I couldn't help but think of all the unexpected ways that these 71 days of raw have changed me. It's been pretty well documented on the pages of this blog that I desperately wanted to find my power, and I can't believe that I am about to say this, but that is exactly what I have found!

So in honor of the great Eminem, I leave you with these words of wisdom..may they inspire you as they have me:

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment

You own it, you better never let it go

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo!

The Little Differences

Dear Stacy,

At first I hated the idea of us having a different record for our 90 days of raw experiment, but maybe we have different finish lines to cross. For two people with so very much in common, these past two months have brought to light our many differences! For one thing we don't make our green smoothies the same way. You use parsley, watermelon, coconut oil, banana, dates, lemon and salt..I can't believe you drag out all of that stuff for a smoothie!!! Man, I could never go to the trouble. Give me my butter lettuce and frozen peaches. That's it. No more. No less.

Another difference is that, with the exception of the first two weeks, this has been really easy for me. I credit being held accountable by this blog for adding a good dose of pressure, but once I figured out how to "cook" something on the fly, I just went on auto-pilot. I am a serious creature of habit and am happy having just a few favorites to choose from. Especially if they are easy to make, like nori rolls stuffed with veggies.

But I have to be honest Stacy, and you're gonna be glad that we don't have this in common, there is a real deficiency in the way I have approached eating raw. I don't get nearly the variety of foods that I should, and as much as I hate to admit this, I have quite a few more bruises than your average person. I'm not gonna go into too much detail but lets just say that that pole I ran into at Starbucks couldn't possible have done all this. No, the only logical explanation for all of these bruises is that I am not getting what I need out of my diet.

So, I ran crying to the health food store where they loaded me up on all kinds of funky stuff to keep me healthy. I've got powdered "super foods", B-12, Super Silica and something called "Vanilla Spice." Even with my glasses on I can't read the vanilla spice bottle so I really don't know what it is although I can make out the words, "hormones, fertility, energy and strength," on the label. The directions are my favorite part! They instruct me to feel free to "add any amount," to a smoothie. Any amount? With all of the mystery, and at $33.25 a bottle, I am pretty sure it will save me. I guess being raw means I don't do Centrum, but Okay! I am here to experience this lifestyle so I am gonna go with it.

NO APOLOGY THIS TIME...

Jill - this is not a confession to you because you already know - it's more of a statement for our dear readers (all 19 of them):

I BROKE THE RAW EXPERIMENT.

I had great intentions of staying raw on my vacation to Hawaii. I really did. Sure I was scared but I brought avocados and a lemon on the plane with me. I lost my boot for my lame foot somehow but that didn't stop me from hobbling to the not so near Food Pantry where a small tub of tomatoes runs for 9.00. I lugged back some fruit and a bag of coleslaw - and tried to fit it in the tiny hotel fridge with it's non shutting door. Then I came down with this crappy cold and my get up and go just got up and went. I sat alone in my hotel room and assessed my situation: no knife, no cutting board, no big fridge to hold produce, no blender, no dishes, can't walk, no car, no access to affordable produce. No nearby salad bars -and I refuse to pay 18 for a small fruit salad from room service. I made the decision - that it's crazy for me to beat myself up for breaking raw under these circumstances.

I will say - I was surprised to find - that I really do PREFER raw foods to cooked. I miss raw green smoothies like you wouldn't believe. I crave them. I didn't expect that. I surprise myself daily - despite being off the experiment - I choose a fruit bowl instead of chips at the snack bar while visiting Hamahaalalalyoa Bay (not the real name - who knows what it was) I almost passed out when the one morning we did have a car - Steve found a juice bar and I had a cucumber, spinach, honeydew, lemon, celery juice. I felt amazing after it. I'm gleeful to discover that the ABC store in the hotel offers tubs of pineapple that make a great breakfast. But when at the North Shore - Silverman, Jim and I stopped at some famous shrimp truck - and my choices were lemon shrimp, garlic shrimp or fried shrimp -

I was happy I didn't have to make like some raw martyr and watch them eat while I pretended the wafting garlic smell wasn't driving me wild. (BTW best damn shrimp I've ever had)

Jill, I have to tell you - it was SUCH A RELIEF to have broken the experiment - and NOT because I wanted cooked foods but because I realized that part of the reason I was struggling so much with the experiment for the past few weeks and was feeling such intense pressure was because I lived with a daily fear about breaking and causing YOU to have to start over. When I broke the last time - and you turned the day counter back to 1 for BOTH of us - yes it was one of those heartwarming moments - not unlike the story of the mentally challenged kid who's winning the race but stops and goes back to help the other mentally challenged kid who fell and is crying in the dirt. Everyone cheers as they cross the finish line together. At the time - it felt like that - and I was touched and grateful. But the past month - I've felt more like Vincent D'Onofrio in Full Metal Jacket after the jelly doughnut was discovered in his footlocker.

Knowing you are the reason why the whole platoon gets punished - is a horrible fate. I see now that for the past few weeks - I've been the fat guy, lying in my bunk - worrying about the next day. Not because of the challenge itself - but fear that I will not live up to the experiment and blow it for you. I so didn't want to be the weak one - AGAIN. While it's true you've never tied me in my bunk and beaten me with a sock full of soap bars - let me tell you, the pressure was there.

But now that I broke - and we've decided that you are not only going to keep your numbers- but add the 20 days you lost the last time - I'm so relieved. And now - I can jump back on the raw train and feel I'm doing it for all the right reasons. I know it seems paradoxical but BECAUSE I've broken - I see more than ever - raw is the way for me. I do hope that I can someday achieve 90 straight days of raw - but whether I do or not - I've gotten soooo much out of this - I can't help but be grateful. At least I didn't end up like Private Lawrence...

Gangsta Bitch Barbie

This post has nothing to do with Gangsta Bitch Barbie. I was looking for a nice Barbie picture when I saw Gangsta Gal and I simply had to have her. Every time I see her I laugh a little bit harder...almost to the point of being manic. I love her. She deserves her time in the spotlight.

Dear Stacy,

Being a full-time student has turned me into "missing-in-action Barbie." And when I have a bit of a high and a low to deliver, like now, I like to take "Good news/Bad news Barbie" off of her plastic stand.

Bad news: that text you sent me while I was in US History that said: "for the first time ever there was no email from Nipper...my head is spinning," caught me in the jugular. While I admit that I am the worst kind of friend to have during the school year, I am a little surprised that it is already showing.

Good news: I have noticed a difference in the way that I interact with all these gorgeous 20 year olds on campus. I am pretty positive that it is a result of this whole adventure that you and I have been on.

So how am I tracing our raw adventure to hanging out with the cool kids in the back of the bus? Stacy, you know that I like to be in control of myself, and the fact that I have made it to day 36 of this raw adventure has earned me a good dose of self respect. I didn't realize that I had lost faith in myself until I felt it coming back, and this fills me with happiness.

So, I have noticed at school that instead of being hyper aware of myself during conversations, my mind and heart are free to focus on the exchanges themselves. I feel like I have been released from a cage and am finally able to just experience people openly, and without any degree of self consciousness.

I love reaching out and squeezing my friends on the arm while we talk, and in some cases giving them a spontaneous hug. This is new for me, and yes it's not exactly headline worthy, but in my little world? This is fulfillment.

All from eating raw?

Yeah, I think so...and being friends with you.

Nipper

MAGIC KELP NOODLES!

So Saturday I was ready to THROW IN THE RAW TOWEL. Wrote Jill confessing that I didn't know how much longer I could go on this damn crazy experiment. It's not like I'm wanting to run out and eat a Monte Christo - I just want to be able to throw some beans on my salad or maybe a slice of really good sprouted bread. (Or ya know some grilled chicken with steamed broccoli in a lemon butter sauce... drool) Don't get me wrong - I REALLY love raw. I BELIEVE in it. I truly believe that I look/feel better. I look younger and even though the scale/my pants doesn't/don't quite show it - I am smaller or maybe I'm not but it has put me in touch with my body in ways that no other diet/exercise program ever has- and I'm really learning to love it AS IS... which for anyone who knows me - knows this is probably the HUGEST mind change of my life. AND I wanna eat some pasta. But JUST when I was about to say I'M DONE - an angel swooped in and opened my eyes to a new raw delight that might just save me. Sunday on the set of Pretty - it was pizza day. I had brought a tub of cherry tomatoes, an avocado and grapefruit. I figured a little oil and vinegar and I'd have me a great salad. But my friend Kirsten surprised me with lunch from LIFE ORGANIC! : 2 different 'pasta' dishes, chili with a dollop of 'sour cream' and a sandwich. I was over the moon. The sandwich was good and hearty and the chili TASTED JUST LIKE DELICIOUS CHILI! (I could see this being the PERFECT meal on a cold winter's night. (especially if you topped it with diced onions and jalapenos) But the revelation was the KELP NOODLES. I was so skeptical at first. Thought for sure they were going to look/smell/taste like fish intestines. So imagine my ecstasy when I took a bite of the pesto pasta and it tasted like PESTO PASTA! Suddenly, a dozen ideas came to mind and my world opened up in a brand new way. I'm looking forward to ALFREDO PASTA and PAD THAI or just with olive oil and garlic w/ black olives and lemon zest. The great news is if tomorrow the experiment ended - I'd still prefer kelp noodles (packed full of calcium and other minerals) to real pasta (which translates to PASTE - and that's exactly what it's like in the body) - I don't know why this makes me so happy. I guess because slowly I'm learning to replace my favorite foods - with crazy healthy raw versions that I actually prefer. I am starting to see when the experiment ends - I'm still going to be eating mostly raw. How great is that?

The House that Shame Built

“Then let us start as soon as it is light tomorrow, if we can. The wolf that one hears is worse than the orc that one fears.” - Lord of the Rings...

jill,

i think we're hitting on
not only what's at the root of you & me
but what lies beneath the surface of every woman we know.

SHAME.
i've been reeling since I first stumbled on this
i've walked around in a daze
and it feels like

there are these TWO TRUTHS
and i ping pong between them both
one second it's
YES I'M FAT AND THIS FLAB THAT'S HANGING OVER MY PANTS IS REAL
and then it's
YES IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT AND I'M PERFECT JUST THE WAY I AM.

as hard as it is -
as painful as this feels
i think that lifting the rock and looking at
what lives inside of US
is incredibly powerful.

because i think this colors our life

whether we're conscious of it or not.

just know

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE TODAY
you don't even have to accept it
today is just about going "holy crap!"

and trying out the possibility

that you may be beautiful and desirable and deserving right now.

maybe tomorrow too.
i'm telling you (me)
you/I'm living in a house of cards
a house built of shame

a house of lies.
but finally
i'm thinking we're discovering a door
that leads OUT
i know it
i feel it in my bones.

it IS and it's NOT about the weight. or the shape of things or

age or wrinkles or imperfections.

and all this negative feeling you're/i'm having
is just because you've stirred the pot

and maybe JUST MAYBE

a part of you knows i'm right

a tiny part of you is screaming YES

maybe we'll find - and truly believe that

the weight we've gained over the past few years
IS JUST
EXCESSIVE EMOTIONAL WEIGHT -

it's the physical manifestation of the stuff we don't want to deal with.

i think when we get to that place of love
and really GET that
we are lovable
no matter what we weigh
we will
be able to dump this excessive emotional weight.
it's the same thing. dump that and you're golden.

you are beautiful.
you are worthy
you are strong
and you are courageous
YOU WILL conquer this
and it's not going to just be
some mind game
it's going to be real.
and you're going to get to experience a joy you've never experienced before.
and so am i.

hand in hand we go, jill.

I want out

Dear Stacy,

I don't think I can do this.

My value from an early age was based on how I looked and what my weight was, and not much else. I refuse to question whether or not I am capable of shaking off those nasty things lodged in my head because I already KNOW that I'm not. Honestly, they are, and have always been, a MASSIVE part of who I am. But, before you start calling me a crybaby (and OK, I might be one,) allow me to admit that I am guilty of an even worse grievance: for each instance in which someone verbally shoved my head into the mud, I would dunk it three more times. Yes, I have a long history of kicking my own ass. This not only set the stage for who I would become, but it provided me with something to FEEL. It made me...ME!

I did counseling, and read lots of self-help books but eventually I had to concede that it was to big to overcome. So, I slowly covered that wound with tar and straw and eventually forget that it was there. Now, I feel like I have opened up a gaping hole. A Big. Gaping. Mother. F'ing. Hole. The answer to the question, "can you hide from reality?" is YES YOU CAN! Man, yes you can! I found the biggest stick that I could and I stuffed it so far down, it really seemed to be gone. I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for all of this infernal mental exploration. Who could have seen this coming? The golden rule here is: only do a public mental cleaning if you think you are in good mental shape, 'cause reality will always bite you in the ass!! Now I feel like an ant that's been hiding under a rock, but some IDIOT has LIFTED that rock and I feel completely exposed. I am raw emotionally and I don't want to deal with this.

And I ALWAYS deal with stuff...I never hide.

But now it's too late. I can't put the rock back down because it never will fit the right way again. I'd be squishing all the other ants and, well, it just doesn't work anymore. This is the point when you need to imagine me shaking my fists in the air and screaming the F word about 32 times. Then kicking a police car.....42 times (cause I DARE them to mess with me.)

I want to go back in time. I want it to be last week when I was oblivious to all of this. I knew I felt bad, but I DID NOT KNOW THAT I STILL CARRIED ALL OF THIS SHIT WITH ME. I did not know that I had internalized all of this, and now I am just dazed. I am depressed and I feel helpless. Stacy, do you remember saying that you can't relate to pictures of your younger self? Well I CAN relate to this pitiful little piece of my old self whimpering in the corner of my heart. Man, she hurt like Hell for so long, and I feel intensely sad for her but she isn't a disconnected, younger version of myself. It's me. It's still me.

I don't have anywhere to hide, and I so badly need to run from this.

I just wanna be who I was a week ago.

Listening To The Voices Outside Your Head

Jill,

Isn't it amazing how we not only listen to what others say about us but we actually consider it TRUTH? Your poor ex husband isn't the only man (or woman) who's made a comment that helped build the house of body shame. In the back of my head there's a secret room - you get to it by pushing on the left cheek of a giant plaster sculpture of my ass - a panel slides and exposes where I keep every negative comment anyone has ever made about my body. My dad's teasing, teachers who suggested I lose weight for roles in high school and college, boyfriends who told me they didn't find me attractive because of the extra weight, the director that once told me "I was too young to be this big" (I was 120lbs) The actress I worked with on General Hospital who during a break informed me that the dress I was wearing was the same dress she wore on the show when she was 8 months pregnant. The room is not only chok full of real comments but also packed to the rafters with the thoughts I THOUGHT people were having about me-thoughts they had when I wore THAT dress, when I went to the pool party wearing giant shorts and even my husbands when I undress. In the very back of the room- in a glass case - covered in envy green velvet is the comment I now realize is THE comment that has colored my life from the moment it was uttered. What's ironic is that it was said when I was at my lowest weight. Here my family and friends were telling me I was too thin - I didn't listen to them - oh no, I listened to the someone who said "Hey, you're almost there!" Don't ask me why but something snapped inside me that day. Not only did I realize I'd never be thin enough but every pound I've put on since has taken me further from the number that wasn't good enough to begin with. From that point onward I put myself in a no win situation.

But ya know what? I look at photos of myself from the past and now I can see that I wasn't fat. (oh how I'd LOVE to be that fat 125 again!) There is no body shame when I look at my younger self. Just awe - I can see her as separate from me and I think how pretty, how young, how thin she is. And my heart breaks for her because I know she never felt it. She never got to enjoy it while she had it. And I can't help but feel sorry for my current self - because I know someday we will look back at photos of ourselves from now - and we will think the same damn thing. So why not just start appreciating and loving ourselves right now where we are? What if that's possible? What if it's not "lose the weight" in order to rid ourselves of body shame but instead rid ourselves of body shame and lose the weight? (Or NOT lose the weight but don't mind because we love ourselves so much?)

I have this sneaky feeling that this is why you and I were brought together - and it has nothing and everything to do with raw. Oh we say we're doing this for the adventure of it, for great health, for enlightenment and yes to lose weight- but the real reason we're doing this raw thing is because we're hoping/praying that raw will take away this body shame/loathing that we've carried around our whole lives.

For me - I realize the end of body shame starts with the destruction of that secret room. I'm taking a sledgehammer to that glass case - forgiving the person who said it and forgiving my younger moron self for believing it. Starting today I'm choosing to be my body's biggest fan and cheerleader. I'm going to defend her if comments come her way. I'm going to build a new room, out in the open - one that is plastered with only good thoughts, comments, beliefs. I'm going to stop telling myself lies and putting off living a full happy life until some magical day when I'm thin. I outweigh my younger self by 35lbs and yet today I feel thin for maybe the first time in my life. I'm almost giddy with just the IDEA that I might have found a way out.

Nightmares in Hell

Dear Stacy,

Two summers ago I had dropped about 20 pounds and was running almost every day. Was I in perfect shape? Hell-O Kitty NO!! I am stuck with this heinous C-section scar, but I felt happy despite that and for the first time ever, love was blooming between my body and mind. It was unexpected magic. That relentlessly warped body image that we all struggle with was lifting. I mean, can you fathom what it would be like to enter a room and not compare yourself to every woman there? It's shallow but we ALL do it, and I wanted out.

C'mon! Clap for me!! This is huge!!!! How often does a woman find contentment with who she is physically and emotionally? And be advised, I am not here to vilify my ex-husband (he NEVER harassed me about my weight,) but when I shared this epiphany with him all I got was this slice of inspiration: "You know Jill, if you just lost a little more weight you would really feel so much better about yourself."

I'm sorry, but do you hear that? What IS that awful sound? Oh, of course. It's that old box full of self-loathing dragging it's ass out of the incinerator. Yeah, it's looking for that familiar, cushy spot in the forefront of my mind where it will muck up my every single thought FOREVER!!!.

So. Right. I am aware that everyone has SOMETHING that drives them nuts about their body and yes, mine is the C-section scar. To me, it is a nightmare. So, in my muddled brain here are the options:

A. Feel damaged, or inadequate forever.

B. Go under the knife to "fix" this defect and then suddenly realize how big my THIGHS are!!!

Do you see? It's a perpetual merry-go-round of insecurities. What's the point??? No matter what we do there will always be something to obsess over.

And I am somewhat angry about this because the romantic in me wants to believe that a persons value is appraised by the merits within their heart and not by the scope of their physical flaws. But the reality is....inside my messed up little head, that I think those rules apply to everyone else..and not to me.

God as my witness (channeling Scarlett here,) I REFUSE to spend my last breathing moments on this Earth PARANOID that my hospice nurse thinks I look awful in my hospital gown!!!

But I just don't know how.

Your ASS or your FACE

Dear Jill,

Recently, I've been hearing this phrase over and over and although it's new to me - every woman I ask - nods her head and says "Yes it's true - you have to make the choice." Have you heard of this? It's like a vanity version of Sophie's choice - the idea is that after 35 you have to choose whether you want to have an attractive, youthful face or an attractive, youthful ass. Sounds like you pick your face - you must keep at least 20 extra lbs on you and if you pick your ass - you lose the 20lbs but you end up looking wrinkly & drawn.

I think back on the time in my twenties when I reached my lowest weight ever: 117. I was going to TWO high impact arobics classes A DAY, plus walking and I took these 'herbal' pills which turned out were chok full of MA HUANG. I was never hungry - I could eat a tiny bit and be satisfied and I felt in control for the first time in my young life. I honestly thought I had found the answer. Did I feel I was thin enough? Absolutely not. I still had a few pounds to go. Come on - I was living in a world of size 0 actresses (COMPLETELY WACKADO RIGHT?) Anyway, I went home to my 10 year high school reunion and here are the comments I got:

"Wow. You're too skinny."

"Are you on drugs - like cocaine?"

"You look old."

"You look like you have aids"

"Your face looks all caved in."

I have never forgotten that and somewhere in the back of my head is this real fear - that I'm going to finally get this eating/exercise thing down, finally drop this extra 30lbs and I'm going to look like the crypt keeper.

With that said

I've come to realize that raw food has given me hope of being able to have both. I have this belief that by cutting out all the crap - that my best true authentic face & body will appear - and my confidence will soar. (and as we both know NOTHING is more attractive than a confident woman - no matter WHAT her age or her weight).

Who knows... maybe it's not about choosing your ass or your face.... but choosing to embrace yourself right where you are - right now. Uh oh. Did I just say that?

Hmmm....

Oh no she didn't!!!!

Dear Stacy!

Earlier today, while perusing the zucchini at Trader Joe's, this lady starts poking me in the arm, and man she was giggling! I started to laugh too because someone just MUST have their dress tucked into their panties.....and she says to me, "Good God, you must really like mushrooms!!!" And she is doubled over and pointing at the nine mushroom containers in MY CART!!

Yeah. I'm not making this up. All I can say is, "Well, typically my public ridicule is reserved for days when I'm buying twelve bags of butter lettuce all at once...but today they only had seven."

So she takes off her sunglasses and while scrutinizing my face, asks me what I am doing, (she seriously did) and I tell her about our 90 days of raw and now she isn't giggling. She asks my age. I tell her I am 44. She says that I am glowing. Yes, she did.

She GRILLED (nice word!) me for 20 minutes on what I have been eating. I was beginning to feel like a celebrity....like an EXPERT even! So I am higher than Cheech and Chong when she gushes, "You look absolutely FABULOUS....(wait for it)....for being six years from 50."

Signed,

No wind in these sails

PROTEIN SHMOTEIN

Hey Jill,

I know as a vegan you get this all the time but it's weird to me that when I tell people I'm raw - the first thing out of their mouths is:

"Where do you get your protein?"

It's not that I don't get the question. Oh, I get it. I get that a lot of people still think protein can only be found in meat/eggs/dairy. And I get that protein is important. What I don't get is that most of the time the people who question my going raw are folks who don't seem to give much thought to nutrition in their own diets. This weekend I was asked by a woman who was sipping a diet Coke and munching on pepperoni pizza. OH THE IRONY! No one thinks TWICE about nutrition when they are eating crap but go raw and suddenly THEY. ARE. WORRIED!

With that said...

I have to admit I've ignorantly been telling people OF COURSE I get enough protein without really knowing if I do. I still tend to eat what I feel like eating instead of what my body needs. Besides I need some smarty pants replies for the next person who asks.

I found this article on LIVING FOOD. COM:

Where do raw and living foodist get their protein?
The WHO (World Health Organization) says humans need about 5% of their daily calories to come from protein to be healthy. The USDA puts this figure at 6.5%. On average, fruits have about 5% of their calories from protein. Vegetables have from 20-50% of their calories from protein. Sprouted seeds, beans, and grains contain from 10-25% of their calories from protein. So if you are eating any variety of living plant foods, you are getting more than adequate protein. Numerous scientific studies have shown the daily need for protein to be about 25-35 grams per day. So if you ate 2,000 calories per day, and ate raw plant foods that had an average of 10% of their calories from protein, you would get 200 calories worth of protein, or 50 grams. This is more than adequate to support optimal well-being. Other studies have shown that heat treating a protein (such as with cooking) makes about half of it unusable to the human body. So raw plant food protein is even a better source than cooked plant foods or animal foods. There is still a huge, foolish, misguided idea that plant protein is not "complete". This is based on studies done on rats in the 1940's. This false conclusion was drawn before we discovered the bodies protein recycling mechanism and its ability to "complete" any amino acid mix from our bodies amino acid pool, no matter what the amino acid composition of a meal consumed. This false idea is still perpetuated by the meat and dairy industries, in an attempt to influence people to continue consuming their truly health destroying products.

Dear Stacy,

Where do I begin?

If I could condense this information onto a business card, and just HAND it to people every time I get asked the dreaded PROTEIN question, I would probably have an extra four hours a week to do things I really want to do.

The article you posted talks about how raw, plant based foods are actually a more perfect form of protein than animal sources. Imagine taking your lettuce and fruit and putting them into a blender. How much more nutrition would we be absorbing if our bodies didn't have to work so hard breaking down the food we eat? Well a lot more!! That's the beauty of the green smoothie!!

And I pay attention to how I feel. I am rarely sick. My fingernails are as strong as steel, I heal quickly, and don't get bruises very often. I sleep like a rock, and am energetic all day.

I don't know about you, but I was always told that the proof is in the avocado pudding.

Do Overs!

Okay here's what happened:

Jill and Stacy were on DAY ONE of their raw green smoothie fast - they did a blog together, where they flipped flopped about staying on it. Stacy ended it by saying - screw it I'm eating and getting some wine - Jill was all YAHOO ME TOO! She went off while Stacy stayed and worked on rewriting the blog THINKING that Jill was still there and assumed she saw the part where she decided to stick to the smoothies. By the time Jill DID see that Stacy had changed her mind - it was too late. Jill felt duped. Stacy felt so bad that Jill was unhappy - that she went and made a bowl of almonds and cashews, poured agave syrup on them and smothered them in chili lime salt. She ate them as a sign as solidarity but then they spent the next two hours going back and forth - misunderstanding the other one and getting madder and madder. And then they made up. Both feeling bad that they ever assumed anything but the best about the other. So today is about do overs.... not just with the raw green smoothies - but in friendship.

Note the puppies clawing at her face - cuz that's how it feels sometimes when ya have to apologize.

I do...but I don't!

Stacy McQueen August 30 at 5:34pm

Top 5 reasons we believe in green smoothies:

1. DELICIOUS
2. EASY
3. INFUSES YOU WITH HAPPY/ENERGY/HEALTH
4. EASY CLEAN UP (RINSE OUT BLENDER)
5. DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT FOOD PREP OR FOOD PERIOD.

Stacy's Favorite raw green smoothie:

watermelon
parsley
three dates
frozen banana
lime
dash of salt
(if need be teaspoon of coconut oil)

Jill Nipper August 30 at 5:37pm

Yeah. Great. I love green smoothies too-

But DAMN GINA...I'm HUNGRY!!!!!!!

OK...am embracing the hunger. It's good to feel, right? (doing my lamaze breathing)

Stacy McQueen August 30 at 6:29pm

(INSERT CLEVER RETORT HERE)

OKAY - the truth? I'm exhausted and would love nothing better than to curl up on the couch w/ a pitcher of wine and a bag of those baked nacho cheese chips that Trader Joe's has. (I could eat two or three bags of those and still not hit the cal/fat content of one of those stupid raw cookies.) No, it's good we're doing this smoothie fast. AND I wish we could start some other day - after the past couple of weeks - I just wanna VEG.

A SMOOTHIE FAST SOUNDED GOOD ON SATURDAY - now it sounds stupid.

Jill Nipper August 30 at 6:31pm

ok...I'm in....but we told everyone...

I could post a picture of a rain storm with a title that says

"SMOOTHIE FAST POSTPONED DUE TO RAIN DELAY"

Jill Nipper August 30 at 6:32pm

NO CHIPS THOUGH...

Stacy McQueen August 30 at 6:36pm

for one split second - I THOUGHT you were saying that we get to have wine AND chips -

and.... for one split second i experienced pure and utter joy.
pure
and
utter.

It doesn't matter anyway - I don't have any wine.
and
i'm too tired to go out and get it.

Wait...

No, I'm not.

Jill Nipper August 30 at 6:42pm

Sorry but no - no chips.

All I am is a bad influence......


I could put up a construction sign and write as a title:

"SMOOTHIE ROAD CLOSED, DETOUR ROUTE COMING."

Stacy McQueen August 30 at 6:45pm

No - we should do smoothies. It's okay. i'll feel better blah blah blah

Jill Nipper August 30 at 6:48pm

So you weren't serious about delaying the fast? Now I'm looking at an F'n smoothie for dinner??



oh the let down of it all.......

Stacy McQueen August 30 at 6:51pm

i think it's kinda funny that we are so quick to give it up. i love that you are all ready to jump off with me.

No, we should stick w/ it because i don't have
any wine but honestly i'm so over raw at this moment.

i just realized I was like
what could i have that would be THAT good?
Last night i was sooo tired and chopped and did all this work for sushi... only to be like eh. it was okay at best.

So I could eat a salad or i can have a green smoothie. it's just... eh to me right now.

Jill Nipper August 30 at 6:53pm

So what then?

Stacy McQueen August 30 at 7:01pm

i don't know

Jill Nipper August 30 at 7:06pm

God I want to have wine and watch Moulin Rouge....I even have a tray of bok choy and mushrooms left from last night.

Stacy McQueen August 30 at 7:08pm

ya know what... screw it. i'm going to get wine. i'm going to clean for a few hours and then i'm going to watch lord of the rings. let's start tomorrow.

Wait. No I'm not. I don't have time to veg.

that's the bottom line.

so... are you sitting there with Bok Choy in your mouth reading this?