The Little Differences

Dear Stacy,

At first I hated the idea of us having a different record for our 90 days of raw experiment, but maybe we have different finish lines to cross. For two people with so very much in common, these past two months have brought to light our many differences! For one thing we don't make our green smoothies the same way. You use parsley, watermelon, coconut oil, banana, dates, lemon and salt..I can't believe you drag out all of that stuff for a smoothie!!! Man, I could never go to the trouble. Give me my butter lettuce and frozen peaches. That's it. No more. No less.

Another difference is that, with the exception of the first two weeks, this has been really easy for me. I credit being held accountable by this blog for adding a good dose of pressure, but once I figured out how to "cook" something on the fly, I just went on auto-pilot. I am a serious creature of habit and am happy having just a few favorites to choose from. Especially if they are easy to make, like nori rolls stuffed with veggies.

But I have to be honest Stacy, and you're gonna be glad that we don't have this in common, there is a real deficiency in the way I have approached eating raw. I don't get nearly the variety of foods that I should, and as much as I hate to admit this, I have quite a few more bruises than your average person. I'm not gonna go into too much detail but lets just say that that pole I ran into at Starbucks couldn't possible have done all this. No, the only logical explanation for all of these bruises is that I am not getting what I need out of my diet.

So, I ran crying to the health food store where they loaded me up on all kinds of funky stuff to keep me healthy. I've got powdered "super foods", B-12, Super Silica and something called "Vanilla Spice." Even with my glasses on I can't read the vanilla spice bottle so I really don't know what it is although I can make out the words, "hormones, fertility, energy and strength," on the label. The directions are my favorite part! They instruct me to feel free to "add any amount," to a smoothie. Any amount? With all of the mystery, and at $33.25 a bottle, I am pretty sure it will save me. I guess being raw means I don't do Centrum, but Okay! I am here to experience this lifestyle so I am gonna go with it.

NO APOLOGY THIS TIME...

Jill - this is not a confession to you because you already know - it's more of a statement for our dear readers (all 19 of them):

I BROKE THE RAW EXPERIMENT.

I had great intentions of staying raw on my vacation to Hawaii. I really did. Sure I was scared but I brought avocados and a lemon on the plane with me. I lost my boot for my lame foot somehow but that didn't stop me from hobbling to the not so near Food Pantry where a small tub of tomatoes runs for 9.00. I lugged back some fruit and a bag of coleslaw - and tried to fit it in the tiny hotel fridge with it's non shutting door. Then I came down with this crappy cold and my get up and go just got up and went. I sat alone in my hotel room and assessed my situation: no knife, no cutting board, no big fridge to hold produce, no blender, no dishes, can't walk, no car, no access to affordable produce. No nearby salad bars -and I refuse to pay 18 for a small fruit salad from room service. I made the decision - that it's crazy for me to beat myself up for breaking raw under these circumstances.

I will say - I was surprised to find - that I really do PREFER raw foods to cooked. I miss raw green smoothies like you wouldn't believe. I crave them. I didn't expect that. I surprise myself daily - despite being off the experiment - I choose a fruit bowl instead of chips at the snack bar while visiting Hamahaalalalyoa Bay (not the real name - who knows what it was) I almost passed out when the one morning we did have a car - Steve found a juice bar and I had a cucumber, spinach, honeydew, lemon, celery juice. I felt amazing after it. I'm gleeful to discover that the ABC store in the hotel offers tubs of pineapple that make a great breakfast. But when at the North Shore - Silverman, Jim and I stopped at some famous shrimp truck - and my choices were lemon shrimp, garlic shrimp or fried shrimp -

I was happy I didn't have to make like some raw martyr and watch them eat while I pretended the wafting garlic smell wasn't driving me wild. (BTW best damn shrimp I've ever had)

Jill, I have to tell you - it was SUCH A RELIEF to have broken the experiment - and NOT because I wanted cooked foods but because I realized that part of the reason I was struggling so much with the experiment for the past few weeks and was feeling such intense pressure was because I lived with a daily fear about breaking and causing YOU to have to start over. When I broke the last time - and you turned the day counter back to 1 for BOTH of us - yes it was one of those heartwarming moments - not unlike the story of the mentally challenged kid who's winning the race but stops and goes back to help the other mentally challenged kid who fell and is crying in the dirt. Everyone cheers as they cross the finish line together. At the time - it felt like that - and I was touched and grateful. But the past month - I've felt more like Vincent D'Onofrio in Full Metal Jacket after the jelly doughnut was discovered in his footlocker.

Knowing you are the reason why the whole platoon gets punished - is a horrible fate. I see now that for the past few weeks - I've been the fat guy, lying in my bunk - worrying about the next day. Not because of the challenge itself - but fear that I will not live up to the experiment and blow it for you. I so didn't want to be the weak one - AGAIN. While it's true you've never tied me in my bunk and beaten me with a sock full of soap bars - let me tell you, the pressure was there.

But now that I broke - and we've decided that you are not only going to keep your numbers- but add the 20 days you lost the last time - I'm so relieved. And now - I can jump back on the raw train and feel I'm doing it for all the right reasons. I know it seems paradoxical but BECAUSE I've broken - I see more than ever - raw is the way for me. I do hope that I can someday achieve 90 straight days of raw - but whether I do or not - I've gotten soooo much out of this - I can't help but be grateful. At least I didn't end up like Private Lawrence...

Gangsta Bitch Barbie

This post has nothing to do with Gangsta Bitch Barbie. I was looking for a nice Barbie picture when I saw Gangsta Gal and I simply had to have her. Every time I see her I laugh a little bit harder...almost to the point of being manic. I love her. She deserves her time in the spotlight.

Dear Stacy,

Being a full-time student has turned me into "missing-in-action Barbie." And when I have a bit of a high and a low to deliver, like now, I like to take "Good news/Bad news Barbie" off of her plastic stand.

Bad news: that text you sent me while I was in US History that said: "for the first time ever there was no email from Nipper...my head is spinning," caught me in the jugular. While I admit that I am the worst kind of friend to have during the school year, I am a little surprised that it is already showing.

Good news: I have noticed a difference in the way that I interact with all these gorgeous 20 year olds on campus. I am pretty positive that it is a result of this whole adventure that you and I have been on.

So how am I tracing our raw adventure to hanging out with the cool kids in the back of the bus? Stacy, you know that I like to be in control of myself, and the fact that I have made it to day 36 of this raw adventure has earned me a good dose of self respect. I didn't realize that I had lost faith in myself until I felt it coming back, and this fills me with happiness.

So, I have noticed at school that instead of being hyper aware of myself during conversations, my mind and heart are free to focus on the exchanges themselves. I feel like I have been released from a cage and am finally able to just experience people openly, and without any degree of self consciousness.

I love reaching out and squeezing my friends on the arm while we talk, and in some cases giving them a spontaneous hug. This is new for me, and yes it's not exactly headline worthy, but in my little world? This is fulfillment.

All from eating raw?

Yeah, I think so...and being friends with you.

Nipper

MAGIC KELP NOODLES!

So Saturday I was ready to THROW IN THE RAW TOWEL. Wrote Jill confessing that I didn't know how much longer I could go on this damn crazy experiment. It's not like I'm wanting to run out and eat a Monte Christo - I just want to be able to throw some beans on my salad or maybe a slice of really good sprouted bread. (Or ya know some grilled chicken with steamed broccoli in a lemon butter sauce... drool) Don't get me wrong - I REALLY love raw. I BELIEVE in it. I truly believe that I look/feel better. I look younger and even though the scale/my pants doesn't/don't quite show it - I am smaller or maybe I'm not but it has put me in touch with my body in ways that no other diet/exercise program ever has- and I'm really learning to love it AS IS... which for anyone who knows me - knows this is probably the HUGEST mind change of my life. AND I wanna eat some pasta. But JUST when I was about to say I'M DONE - an angel swooped in and opened my eyes to a new raw delight that might just save me. Sunday on the set of Pretty - it was pizza day. I had brought a tub of cherry tomatoes, an avocado and grapefruit. I figured a little oil and vinegar and I'd have me a great salad. But my friend Kirsten surprised me with lunch from LIFE ORGANIC! : 2 different 'pasta' dishes, chili with a dollop of 'sour cream' and a sandwich. I was over the moon. The sandwich was good and hearty and the chili TASTED JUST LIKE DELICIOUS CHILI! (I could see this being the PERFECT meal on a cold winter's night. (especially if you topped it with diced onions and jalapenos) But the revelation was the KELP NOODLES. I was so skeptical at first. Thought for sure they were going to look/smell/taste like fish intestines. So imagine my ecstasy when I took a bite of the pesto pasta and it tasted like PESTO PASTA! Suddenly, a dozen ideas came to mind and my world opened up in a brand new way. I'm looking forward to ALFREDO PASTA and PAD THAI or just with olive oil and garlic w/ black olives and lemon zest. The great news is if tomorrow the experiment ended - I'd still prefer kelp noodles (packed full of calcium and other minerals) to real pasta (which translates to PASTE - and that's exactly what it's like in the body) - I don't know why this makes me so happy. I guess because slowly I'm learning to replace my favorite foods - with crazy healthy raw versions that I actually prefer. I am starting to see when the experiment ends - I'm still going to be eating mostly raw. How great is that?

The House that Shame Built

“Then let us start as soon as it is light tomorrow, if we can. The wolf that one hears is worse than the orc that one fears.” - Lord of the Rings...

jill,

i think we're hitting on
not only what's at the root of you & me
but what lies beneath the surface of every woman we know.

SHAME.
i've been reeling since I first stumbled on this
i've walked around in a daze
and it feels like

there are these TWO TRUTHS
and i ping pong between them both
one second it's
YES I'M FAT AND THIS FLAB THAT'S HANGING OVER MY PANTS IS REAL
and then it's
YES IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT AND I'M PERFECT JUST THE WAY I AM.

as hard as it is -
as painful as this feels
i think that lifting the rock and looking at
what lives inside of US
is incredibly powerful.

because i think this colors our life

whether we're conscious of it or not.

just know

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE TODAY
you don't even have to accept it
today is just about going "holy crap!"

and trying out the possibility

that you may be beautiful and desirable and deserving right now.

maybe tomorrow too.
i'm telling you (me)
you/I'm living in a house of cards
a house built of shame

a house of lies.
but finally
i'm thinking we're discovering a door
that leads OUT
i know it
i feel it in my bones.

it IS and it's NOT about the weight. or the shape of things or

age or wrinkles or imperfections.

and all this negative feeling you're/i'm having
is just because you've stirred the pot

and maybe JUST MAYBE

a part of you knows i'm right

a tiny part of you is screaming YES

maybe we'll find - and truly believe that

the weight we've gained over the past few years
IS JUST
EXCESSIVE EMOTIONAL WEIGHT -

it's the physical manifestation of the stuff we don't want to deal with.

i think when we get to that place of love
and really GET that
we are lovable
no matter what we weigh
we will
be able to dump this excessive emotional weight.
it's the same thing. dump that and you're golden.

you are beautiful.
you are worthy
you are strong
and you are courageous
YOU WILL conquer this
and it's not going to just be
some mind game
it's going to be real.
and you're going to get to experience a joy you've never experienced before.
and so am i.

hand in hand we go, jill.

I want out

Dear Stacy,

I don't think I can do this.

My value from an early age was based on how I looked and what my weight was, and not much else. I refuse to question whether or not I am capable of shaking off those nasty things lodged in my head because I already KNOW that I'm not. Honestly, they are, and have always been, a MASSIVE part of who I am. But, before you start calling me a crybaby (and OK, I might be one,) allow me to admit that I am guilty of an even worse grievance: for each instance in which someone verbally shoved my head into the mud, I would dunk it three more times. Yes, I have a long history of kicking my own ass. This not only set the stage for who I would become, but it provided me with something to FEEL. It made me...ME!

I did counseling, and read lots of self-help books but eventually I had to concede that it was to big to overcome. So, I slowly covered that wound with tar and straw and eventually forget that it was there. Now, I feel like I have opened up a gaping hole. A Big. Gaping. Mother. F'ing. Hole. The answer to the question, "can you hide from reality?" is YES YOU CAN! Man, yes you can! I found the biggest stick that I could and I stuffed it so far down, it really seemed to be gone. I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for all of this infernal mental exploration. Who could have seen this coming? The golden rule here is: only do a public mental cleaning if you think you are in good mental shape, 'cause reality will always bite you in the ass!! Now I feel like an ant that's been hiding under a rock, but some IDIOT has LIFTED that rock and I feel completely exposed. I am raw emotionally and I don't want to deal with this.

And I ALWAYS deal with stuff...I never hide.

But now it's too late. I can't put the rock back down because it never will fit the right way again. I'd be squishing all the other ants and, well, it just doesn't work anymore. This is the point when you need to imagine me shaking my fists in the air and screaming the F word about 32 times. Then kicking a police car.....42 times (cause I DARE them to mess with me.)

I want to go back in time. I want it to be last week when I was oblivious to all of this. I knew I felt bad, but I DID NOT KNOW THAT I STILL CARRIED ALL OF THIS SHIT WITH ME. I did not know that I had internalized all of this, and now I am just dazed. I am depressed and I feel helpless. Stacy, do you remember saying that you can't relate to pictures of your younger self? Well I CAN relate to this pitiful little piece of my old self whimpering in the corner of my heart. Man, she hurt like Hell for so long, and I feel intensely sad for her but she isn't a disconnected, younger version of myself. It's me. It's still me.

I don't have anywhere to hide, and I so badly need to run from this.

I just wanna be who I was a week ago.

Listening To The Voices Outside Your Head

Jill,

Isn't it amazing how we not only listen to what others say about us but we actually consider it TRUTH? Your poor ex husband isn't the only man (or woman) who's made a comment that helped build the house of body shame. In the back of my head there's a secret room - you get to it by pushing on the left cheek of a giant plaster sculpture of my ass - a panel slides and exposes where I keep every negative comment anyone has ever made about my body. My dad's teasing, teachers who suggested I lose weight for roles in high school and college, boyfriends who told me they didn't find me attractive because of the extra weight, the director that once told me "I was too young to be this big" (I was 120lbs) The actress I worked with on General Hospital who during a break informed me that the dress I was wearing was the same dress she wore on the show when she was 8 months pregnant. The room is not only chok full of real comments but also packed to the rafters with the thoughts I THOUGHT people were having about me-thoughts they had when I wore THAT dress, when I went to the pool party wearing giant shorts and even my husbands when I undress. In the very back of the room- in a glass case - covered in envy green velvet is the comment I now realize is THE comment that has colored my life from the moment it was uttered. What's ironic is that it was said when I was at my lowest weight. Here my family and friends were telling me I was too thin - I didn't listen to them - oh no, I listened to the someone who said "Hey, you're almost there!" Don't ask me why but something snapped inside me that day. Not only did I realize I'd never be thin enough but every pound I've put on since has taken me further from the number that wasn't good enough to begin with. From that point onward I put myself in a no win situation.

But ya know what? I look at photos of myself from the past and now I can see that I wasn't fat. (oh how I'd LOVE to be that fat 125 again!) There is no body shame when I look at my younger self. Just awe - I can see her as separate from me and I think how pretty, how young, how thin she is. And my heart breaks for her because I know she never felt it. She never got to enjoy it while she had it. And I can't help but feel sorry for my current self - because I know someday we will look back at photos of ourselves from now - and we will think the same damn thing. So why not just start appreciating and loving ourselves right now where we are? What if that's possible? What if it's not "lose the weight" in order to rid ourselves of body shame but instead rid ourselves of body shame and lose the weight? (Or NOT lose the weight but don't mind because we love ourselves so much?)

I have this sneaky feeling that this is why you and I were brought together - and it has nothing and everything to do with raw. Oh we say we're doing this for the adventure of it, for great health, for enlightenment and yes to lose weight- but the real reason we're doing this raw thing is because we're hoping/praying that raw will take away this body shame/loathing that we've carried around our whole lives.

For me - I realize the end of body shame starts with the destruction of that secret room. I'm taking a sledgehammer to that glass case - forgiving the person who said it and forgiving my younger moron self for believing it. Starting today I'm choosing to be my body's biggest fan and cheerleader. I'm going to defend her if comments come her way. I'm going to build a new room, out in the open - one that is plastered with only good thoughts, comments, beliefs. I'm going to stop telling myself lies and putting off living a full happy life until some magical day when I'm thin. I outweigh my younger self by 35lbs and yet today I feel thin for maybe the first time in my life. I'm almost giddy with just the IDEA that I might have found a way out.

Nightmares in Hell

Dear Stacy,

Two summers ago I had dropped about 20 pounds and was running almost every day. Was I in perfect shape? Hell-O Kitty NO!! I am stuck with this heinous C-section scar, but I felt happy despite that and for the first time ever, love was blooming between my body and mind. It was unexpected magic. That relentlessly warped body image that we all struggle with was lifting. I mean, can you fathom what it would be like to enter a room and not compare yourself to every woman there? It's shallow but we ALL do it, and I wanted out.

C'mon! Clap for me!! This is huge!!!! How often does a woman find contentment with who she is physically and emotionally? And be advised, I am not here to vilify my ex-husband (he NEVER harassed me about my weight,) but when I shared this epiphany with him all I got was this slice of inspiration: "You know Jill, if you just lost a little more weight you would really feel so much better about yourself."

I'm sorry, but do you hear that? What IS that awful sound? Oh, of course. It's that old box full of self-loathing dragging it's ass out of the incinerator. Yeah, it's looking for that familiar, cushy spot in the forefront of my mind where it will muck up my every single thought FOREVER!!!.

So. Right. I am aware that everyone has SOMETHING that drives them nuts about their body and yes, mine is the C-section scar. To me, it is a nightmare. So, in my muddled brain here are the options:

A. Feel damaged, or inadequate forever.

B. Go under the knife to "fix" this defect and then suddenly realize how big my THIGHS are!!!

Do you see? It's a perpetual merry-go-round of insecurities. What's the point??? No matter what we do there will always be something to obsess over.

And I am somewhat angry about this because the romantic in me wants to believe that a persons value is appraised by the merits within their heart and not by the scope of their physical flaws. But the reality is....inside my messed up little head, that I think those rules apply to everyone else..and not to me.

God as my witness (channeling Scarlett here,) I REFUSE to spend my last breathing moments on this Earth PARANOID that my hospice nurse thinks I look awful in my hospital gown!!!

But I just don't know how.

Your ASS or your FACE

Dear Jill,

Recently, I've been hearing this phrase over and over and although it's new to me - every woman I ask - nods her head and says "Yes it's true - you have to make the choice." Have you heard of this? It's like a vanity version of Sophie's choice - the idea is that after 35 you have to choose whether you want to have an attractive, youthful face or an attractive, youthful ass. Sounds like you pick your face - you must keep at least 20 extra lbs on you and if you pick your ass - you lose the 20lbs but you end up looking wrinkly & drawn.

I think back on the time in my twenties when I reached my lowest weight ever: 117. I was going to TWO high impact arobics classes A DAY, plus walking and I took these 'herbal' pills which turned out were chok full of MA HUANG. I was never hungry - I could eat a tiny bit and be satisfied and I felt in control for the first time in my young life. I honestly thought I had found the answer. Did I feel I was thin enough? Absolutely not. I still had a few pounds to go. Come on - I was living in a world of size 0 actresses (COMPLETELY WACKADO RIGHT?) Anyway, I went home to my 10 year high school reunion and here are the comments I got:

"Wow. You're too skinny."

"Are you on drugs - like cocaine?"

"You look old."

"You look like you have aids"

"Your face looks all caved in."

I have never forgotten that and somewhere in the back of my head is this real fear - that I'm going to finally get this eating/exercise thing down, finally drop this extra 30lbs and I'm going to look like the crypt keeper.

With that said

I've come to realize that raw food has given me hope of being able to have both. I have this belief that by cutting out all the crap - that my best true authentic face & body will appear - and my confidence will soar. (and as we both know NOTHING is more attractive than a confident woman - no matter WHAT her age or her weight).

Who knows... maybe it's not about choosing your ass or your face.... but choosing to embrace yourself right where you are - right now. Uh oh. Did I just say that?

Hmmm....

Oh no she didn't!!!!

Dear Stacy!

Earlier today, while perusing the zucchini at Trader Joe's, this lady starts poking me in the arm, and man she was giggling! I started to laugh too because someone just MUST have their dress tucked into their panties.....and she says to me, "Good God, you must really like mushrooms!!!" And she is doubled over and pointing at the nine mushroom containers in MY CART!!

Yeah. I'm not making this up. All I can say is, "Well, typically my public ridicule is reserved for days when I'm buying twelve bags of butter lettuce all at once...but today they only had seven."

So she takes off her sunglasses and while scrutinizing my face, asks me what I am doing, (she seriously did) and I tell her about our 90 days of raw and now she isn't giggling. She asks my age. I tell her I am 44. She says that I am glowing. Yes, she did.

She GRILLED (nice word!) me for 20 minutes on what I have been eating. I was beginning to feel like a celebrity....like an EXPERT even! So I am higher than Cheech and Chong when she gushes, "You look absolutely FABULOUS....(wait for it)....for being six years from 50."

Signed,

No wind in these sails

PROTEIN SHMOTEIN

Hey Jill,

I know as a vegan you get this all the time but it's weird to me that when I tell people I'm raw - the first thing out of their mouths is:

"Where do you get your protein?"

It's not that I don't get the question. Oh, I get it. I get that a lot of people still think protein can only be found in meat/eggs/dairy. And I get that protein is important. What I don't get is that most of the time the people who question my going raw are folks who don't seem to give much thought to nutrition in their own diets. This weekend I was asked by a woman who was sipping a diet Coke and munching on pepperoni pizza. OH THE IRONY! No one thinks TWICE about nutrition when they are eating crap but go raw and suddenly THEY. ARE. WORRIED!

With that said...

I have to admit I've ignorantly been telling people OF COURSE I get enough protein without really knowing if I do. I still tend to eat what I feel like eating instead of what my body needs. Besides I need some smarty pants replies for the next person who asks.

I found this article on LIVING FOOD. COM:

Where do raw and living foodist get their protein?
The WHO (World Health Organization) says humans need about 5% of their daily calories to come from protein to be healthy. The USDA puts this figure at 6.5%. On average, fruits have about 5% of their calories from protein. Vegetables have from 20-50% of their calories from protein. Sprouted seeds, beans, and grains contain from 10-25% of their calories from protein. So if you are eating any variety of living plant foods, you are getting more than adequate protein. Numerous scientific studies have shown the daily need for protein to be about 25-35 grams per day. So if you ate 2,000 calories per day, and ate raw plant foods that had an average of 10% of their calories from protein, you would get 200 calories worth of protein, or 50 grams. This is more than adequate to support optimal well-being. Other studies have shown that heat treating a protein (such as with cooking) makes about half of it unusable to the human body. So raw plant food protein is even a better source than cooked plant foods or animal foods. There is still a huge, foolish, misguided idea that plant protein is not "complete". This is based on studies done on rats in the 1940's. This false conclusion was drawn before we discovered the bodies protein recycling mechanism and its ability to "complete" any amino acid mix from our bodies amino acid pool, no matter what the amino acid composition of a meal consumed. This false idea is still perpetuated by the meat and dairy industries, in an attempt to influence people to continue consuming their truly health destroying products.

Dear Stacy,

Where do I begin?

If I could condense this information onto a business card, and just HAND it to people every time I get asked the dreaded PROTEIN question, I would probably have an extra four hours a week to do things I really want to do.

The article you posted talks about how raw, plant based foods are actually a more perfect form of protein than animal sources. Imagine taking your lettuce and fruit and putting them into a blender. How much more nutrition would we be absorbing if our bodies didn't have to work so hard breaking down the food we eat? Well a lot more!! That's the beauty of the green smoothie!!

And I pay attention to how I feel. I am rarely sick. My fingernails are as strong as steel, I heal quickly, and don't get bruises very often. I sleep like a rock, and am energetic all day.

I don't know about you, but I was always told that the proof is in the avocado pudding.