In September I jumped off the raw experiment wagon and have basically been in VACATION MODE ever since. I took this photo yesterday ( modeling my Kotex sleep mask for my upcoming craft blog) and after the initial shame/horror washed over me - I realized it really does represent how I feel right now physically. (Mentally I'm truly excited about life, my new project, Steve coming home for Thanksgiving, pretty much everything) But physically I feel heavy (gained back the 10lbs I lost when all raw) bloated, my hair is dull and frizzy - my skin looks dim and splotchy- just an over all not so hotness. I confess that I look in the mirror and do not like what I see. The worst part is the hopelessness that seems to be blossoming - I find myself telling myself lies: "Well this is just middle age. This is how it is for everybody. Your days of looking/feeling great are behind you. You might as well accept it all. You are doomed my friend DOOMED." This isn't just all about vanity either - things are going ON in my body - some TMI things - needless to say the plumbing is all off , my hormones are wackadoo -yep, my hot flashes are back (I ate tempeh, soy butter and Veganaise and bam SURGES started immediately) Pile this on to the fact I'm JUST NOW getting to wear shoes (due to that foot surgery in JULY- no exercise for FOUR MONTHS) I feel like crap.And then I stumbled (and by stumbled I mean I was sadly perusing my old profile photos on FB because the above photo I was using made me sick) I stumbled on some photos of me FROM A MERE TWO MONTHS AGO taken during the raw experiment - and I just couldn't believe the difference:
(okay yeah i have make up on and there's a funky filter (ps there's the same funky filter on the other photo) even so all the photos taken that day I was happy with -more than anything this picture represents how I FELT on raw)
This picture reminded me that just a couple of months ago - that I was on a beach in Hawaii feeling at one with my body for the first time in my life. F.Y.I. I have NEVER worn a bathing suit in public - not without some kind of sarong or giant men's Tshirt - despite my absolute LOVE for water - I've convinced myself I do not enjoy beaches or pools when really it's a shame thing. So yeah, it was a BIG DEAL for me to just sit on the beach with Silverman and Jim and just ENJOY THE BEACH - to happily walk to the water - to swim for hours and just enjoy it and my friends without the burden of self loathing. I felt so f'n FREE!
I didn't feel perfect - but I felt like me and felt fiercely proud and protective of myself. And I KNEW that I was on my way to my authentic physical self. More importantly I felt I had crossed over to a place of KNOWING that the raw lifestyle was my ticket to Love Myselfville. I remember telling someone that even if I wanted to - I could never go back to my old cooked ways - they were behind me forever.
BOY WAS I WRONG.
I fell back into my old ways easily - effortlessly - without thought of the consequences. And only now do I see what the consequences of cooked are.
I miss raw. I miss my dehydrator. I miss raw green smoothies. I miss Jill and I miss this blog...
but most of all - I miss the me I was while raw.
Okay so now what? Sure I'd LIKE to take up raw like RIGHT NOW but - the holidays are here - it's like trying to quit drinking on New Years Eve - IMPOSSIBLE! (don't read anything into that statement please) No, instead it's Thanksgiving and I'm on my way out to get all the ingredients to make a completely cooked feast. I enable myself by saying "If it were just me - if I didn't have Steve and guests coming over"- "if it wasn't cold" - "if cornbread stuffing didn't taste so freaking awesome" (seriously it's not Thanksgiving without dressing right?) "if cooked foods didn't say HAPPY HOLIDAYS to me" ... but the bottom line is - I'm just not over my cooked addictions yet.
And that's okay. I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm going to enjoy the holidays - and daydream of next year when I am easily and effortlessly 80 percent raw and able to make a mostly raw meal for Thanksgiving that will rock the socks off of everyone involved.
Next year I'll be making this:
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!
